God and my faith are bigger than a high risk pregnancy.

Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything, mainly because the one thing I’ve wanted to write about, we haven’t been sharing. Now that we have made it public….. I’m going to be a mom! I am still in shock writing those words. But I could not be more excited and thankful for what God’s already done in these past ten weeks. I honestly did not think a month ago that we’d be here today- ten weeks pregnant. We’ve had a lot of scares, and I’ve spent weeks crying with fear that something was going wrong. But God showed me that even if something goes wrong, I still am a mom. I still have a child, and that I need to be happy, and have joy no matter what happens.  I have always been open about my struggles, and I don’t plan to stop during this new season.  Last year, when my heart condition was making my life really painful, I gave up the idea of ever having a baby. Soon after giving up the idea, my heart started to slowly get better. I started having less black outs, and was in less pain. Like always, usually these […]

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Me too.

[You might be seeing a lot of “me too” posted on your social media feed. If you do not know why, it’s a way that people are bringing awareness to the massive amounts of people that have been sexually harassed or assaulted. Writing “me too”, means you are in that statistic.] I spoke out a while back, and it was the best thing I ever did. I will never be free from it. I’ve had people make comments that I should move on from this, and let it go.  Nightmares cannot be simply let go.  Panic attacks cannot be let go.  The hurt cannot be let go.  To the people that think it’s easy to move on from this pain- it’s not. It’s far from easy. I am married, and I still have nightmares. I am married, and I still have moments where I cannot emotionally, mentally, or physically handle being touched. I am married, and I still have moments where I question every single little thing.  I am not married to the guy that caused me to write, “me too”. I am married to an amazing guy, that has treated me with the upmost respect from day one.  and yet, […]

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You hurt me, but you did not win.

You hurt me. And you’ll never know. You’ll never know the pain you caused or the damage you caused me in my future relationships. You’ll never know and honestly, no one else will either. No one will ever truly understand what I’ve gone through the past year. No one knows the nightmares I have at night or the fear I feel in the dark, laying in bed. Just like you will never know. And maybe you do know. I sometimes wish I could sit across from you and explain to you what you caused but I know that you’ll never understand it. You’ll just put the blame on me, like you’ve done already. But if I could get you to understand the damage you caused, maybe another girl will not go through this hell you’ve caused. And I pray everyday you haven’t already caused it to her. I will never understand why “no” never meant “no” to you. You liked to be in control, and that’s what you did. You controlled me. And I admit, I allowed you to control me, but deep down I was scared of you. I didn’t know how to get away. It took me being […]

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I was her.

I was you. The girl that thinks her turn will never come. The girl that wanted the fairytale but felt like she wasn’t worthy of the happy ending. The girl that prayed and prayed for her price charming to show up. I was her. I was her. The girl that had her heart broken when a guy chose someone else besides her. The girl that wanted to be more than “just friends”. The girl that thought no one would ever love her. I was her.  I was her. The girl that wasn’t happy when she looked in the mirror and thought to herself, “why would anyone want to be with me”. The girl that would put a measuring tape around her waist to see how much her worth was for that day. The girl that would skip a meal because that meant that maybe, just maybe, she would one day lose enough weight to be deemed pretty. I was her.  I was her. The girl that struggled with an eating disorder for eight years in secrecy. The girl that saw a number on a scale being equal to how much love she deserved from a guy. The girl that felt […]

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Emotional abuse: you are not alone.

Writing has always been my form of healing. But, sharing that with the world isn’t easy. There’s really only one person I ever talk about this with, and seeing how I’m marrying that person, it’s kind of needed.  Last year, I met a guy who told me he’d change my life, but little did I know the way he’d change it wasn’t anything like what I expected. You may refer back to “Speaking Out- I forgive you” if you want a little recap. Anyways- That last post was the first time I ever opened up about it. The first time I was able to set it free. I thought it’d get better. The dreams. The anxiety attacks. The pounding in my chest when someone would mention something that brought back memories.  Memories that I want so badly to forget.  Most think the relationship we had was just a short fling that meant nothing.  Yes, it was short, but it didn’t mean nothing- it meant that I was forever bound with nightmares. Forever living with flashbacks. Trust me, I wish it meant simply nothing. It meant that I forever was living with something.  I wish nothing more than to go back in time, and never have […]

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Speaking Out- I forgive you.

I never wanted to write this out. Never wanted the words to be visible. But the last few days have made me realize that until I make peace with this, and you, I will never be able to truly move past this.  You hurt me.  Plain and simple. You hurt me in the most vulnerable places of my soul. You took things away from me that I can never get back.  When I first met you, you had a way about you that made me feel safe, until you slowly turned that safety into control.  You could say jump, and I would have jumped. And you knew that. You knew that you had me right where you wanted me.  I never wanted to write this. But you took the word no, and turned it into an I can do whatever I want.  The first time you asked me if you could do something, and I hesitated, and said “I don’t-“, and you continued before I could finish my sentence and said, it’s no big deal. I cried the entire way home. I cried because I thought I did something wrong. I was so confused to why someone who said they loved me, could […]

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A letter I wrote before I met, The One.

I wrote this post about 6 months before I met my future husband. That last year before I met him, I prayed and prayed. I had never prayed so much for a guy I had never met in my life. I had heartbreaks during that time, and I felt so defeated. I know being 21 was young, and I had nothing to fret over. But when you’ve waited and waited for God to send you the one, and you’ve had your heart broken multiple times, the waiting seems to drag on and on.  I will say this: If you’re currently in the process of waiting- wait. Although I believe that heartbreaks are lessons, I truly wish I had not tried to take over and had just sat back and watched God work.  I can’t believe that this letter that used to be addressed to an unknown you, is now addressed to a man named Nathan. God has your life planned, and he has the perfect person created and set aside for you. Just trust in his timing, pray, and you will find that person.  A letter to you (Nathan), It’s 3am, and I’m writing this, which means you probably should be okay […]

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To the best friend I lost.

I miss you. Simple as that.  I never thought in a million years we would go out separate ways. We used to joke about how we would get matching tattoos, but we would never get them with a guy- because we had more faith in our friendship than a relationship with a guy.  I think about you daily. And it hurts. It hurts because when I wanted to cry to someone, my first instinct was to text you. When I was happy, I just wanted to share it with you.  I’ve never experienced a pain like this. I’ve cried more tears over this friendship ending than I ever thought possible. I did not only lose a friendship but my sister.  I not only lost you, but also your family. You knew all my secrets. You knew me. Like truly knew me.  I don’t know what went wrong. I mean, I can tell you from my point of view what happened, but I’m sure from your side it looks different. I want you back in my life so badly. I want to pick up where we left off. I want to run up to you and give you a huge hug.  […]

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My fairy tale.

I always wanted a fairy tale. You know, the one that the girl that is struggling never imagines she’ll have. Years ago I started struggling in secret- with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. I never thought that anyone would ever love me, much less, ever have my own fairy tale.  I was single, for a very long time. I wanted to wait for the right guy. I will admit, I stumbled during that wait, but I’m proud to say that my path led me to where and who I am with today.  If you would have asked me who my dream guy was, I would have told you many things, but none of them compared to what I actually got when God showed me the man of my dreams.  August 6, 2016. I walked into a Dunkin Donuts. It was there that I met the most amazing guy. I ordered my coffee, and sat down across from him. What I planned to be a short trip to get coffee ended up being 5 hours at a table with a guy that I knew really nothing about. We talked about everything from school, to religion, to his purple hair, all […]

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Holding on to Hope.

A few days ago I had a successful ablation (a procedure that is used to scar small areas in your heart that may be causing arrhythmias). I was so happy to finally {hopefully} be able to have a normal life.  And then it happened yesterday: the beginning of another blackout.  I was heartbroken all over again. I was on the verge of crying, and just wanted to go hide in my room, and lock everyone out. I have experienced a lot of high heart rates, a lot more than I had been recently, which scares me even more. It was suppose to be successful, yet I’m experiencing more episodes.  I am trying to hold on to the hope that I’m still in recovery, and this isn’t permanent.  I have been asked so many times this past week, “how are you doing?” – how am I suppose to respond? I don’t want anyone to pity me. I don’t want to see the disappointment on someones face when I’m still not feeling okay after a successful procedure. I already have enough disappointment in me, I don’t want anymore added.  All I can do is pray. I am so lost. I don’t understand why I’m still […]

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