I wasn’t sure how much I would share, but writing on here is therapeutic for me. On September 1, I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock. I was excited, but terrified. On August 1, I had heart surgery, and was put on a new medication that was dangerous to conceive on. Therefore, this wasn’t planned (but God had plans of his own). I stopped all four of my medications. I prayed and prayed. I was terrified the meds already did their damage. Two weeks later I started bleeding. My heart sank. I just knew. The amount of guilt I had was unbearable for being on the medication.…
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There’s bumps in the road, but I am okay.
There’s been many times over the past six years that I’ve felt like my body was failing me. The one organ that is suppose to keep me alive is not wanting to work properly. Last week I had my follow-up from my ablation, and my doctor was not happy with the results. For the first time in the four years that he’s been my doctor I finally felt like he understood the frustration. He understood how it felt to think a path is going to work, and then it doesn’t. The surgery was successful for a specific type of arrhythmia, but my heart is still having a lot of high…
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I’m still moving forward.
It’s been a week and a half since my ablation. Things are 50/50 honestly. Around the house, doing normal tasks, my heart is doing amazing. But when I try to do anything more, my heart goes back into episodes. A few days ago I went to the grocery store with my son. Normal day, doing normal tasks. When I got back to our apartment, I carried him up the stairs, and I instantly could tell my heart was going into an episode. It took an hour for it to go back to normal. My heart felt shattered. My emotions felt all over the place. I won’t know until next week…
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My reason why.
Sometimes when we are going through hardships, we question- “why?“ I do that a lot. Especially when I am trying my hardest to just make it through one more day. One more episode. One more dizzy spell. One more blood pressure crash. One more heart arrhythmia. My reason why is this boy. Years before I saw those two pink lines, I knew the road to this moment would be a struggle. I considered adoption and surrogacy, because I wasn’t sure what the future years would entail, and how my body would handle a pregnancy. A few months before I found out I was pregnant, I decided that no matter the…
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I do not understand this season- and that’s okay.
Many days I do not understand. I do not understand the pain. Why God chose me to carry this weight. To carry the struggles. Why my prayers don’t seem to be answered. Why little tasks, like standing, are hard to accomplish without my vision going out, and my heart beating out of my chest. But then I remember- God carried so much more. He carried the cross for people He knew would never follow him. He forgives us. Forgives us for when we don’t trust in Him. He never strays from us even when we question His plans for our life. There’s so many days I am mad at God.…
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My Next Chance: Surgery Round 3.
I haven’t shared much lately on my heart because honestly I haven’t known what to say. I’ve struggled with a heart condition for the last 6 years. It doesn’t get easier, but you become more numb. Numb to the pain. Numb to the understanding that you might never have a normal day again. I can normally tell when my heart is getting bad again. Since January I’ve had bad chest pain and numbness in my left arm. It comes and goes, lasting for days at a time. Breathing has become difficult, especially when standing or walking. It’s my normal. Yesterday I finally saw my doctor for my regular check-up. My…
