October 3, I saw two pink lines. I was excited, and scared. Scared because I knew the risks that would come. My baby was no surprise, yet he was planned- by us, and by God. I knew the hardship that I would go through. I had a hard time finding an OB that would accept me. Even after finding an OB that would accept me, they didn’t want to accept my baby’s life with the same value as my own. To me, my child was not a clump of cells, but he was a human- my precious baby. It was the hardest nine months of my life. I tried to…
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One day is today.
This month marks five years since I was first diagnosed with a temperamental heart. I’ve gone to more doctor appointments than I can count, and the longest I think I’ve ever gone in between appointments has maybe been around three months. Today, I was cleared for six months. SIX. I’ve been cleared for that long before, but I ended up going in earlier for an appointment. I’m really hoping this six months is really six months. I used to walk out to my car, upset, frustrated, mad at my body, mad at God. Honestly mad at everything. I would question why me. I would sit in my car and cry. I…
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I deserve love, and so do you.
I never thought I’d experience love. Not just simple love, but true, never-ending, hard to put into words love. I’ve experienced heart ache. I’ve experienced hurt. I’ve cried myself to sleep over pointless relationships. I was bullied all throughout school for my appearance and never thought I’d find someone who loved me. I experienced health issues that made me feel like no one would ever want to be with me when doctor appointments are written on my monthly calendar. I starved myself for eight years and never thought I’d find someone who’d understand the struggles of food. I experienced sexual assault so I never thought someone would want to be…
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Lessons from my first year of marriage.
Tomorrow is one year since I married my best friend. I’ve learned a lot of things in this past year. I’ve learned that when they say “marry your best friend“, you should take that seriously. I know what it’s like to be mixed with the wrong people, and I can tell you that being in a relationship with the right person is amazing. Being able to wake up next to your favorite person is something worth waiting for. I’ve learned the importance in finding someone that truly loves you. A person that loves you when you’re mad. A person that loves you when you’re happy, and sad. A person that…
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The impossible becomes possible.
This tiger I bought when I was 5 weeks pregnant. It was the same time that a nurse told me to consider an abortion. She only saw concern for my life, when I saw concern for the life growing inside me. There were so many fears I had, and losing this baby was one of them. I was not going to purposely choose to lose him or her. I saw this at Target and it was the first purchase I made for my little one. It seems like such a little thing but it was such a big deal to have something tangible to hold onto while I was trying…
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Left vs Right
These are two medications I take daily. The left is a medication for my heart. It works to slow my heart down and allows my heart rate to be normal around 75% of the time. It doesn’t make my life normal but manageable. The right is an antidepressant. I have taken it for the last two years to help with depression and anxiety. It allows it to be reduced tremendously. It’s not a ‘happy pill’ but it makes every day a little more manageable. Both help me daily to be healthy so I can be the best wife and mother I can be. Yet, the one on the left society…
