I know.

I know what it’s like to lay in bed at night and wonder if things will ever get better.

I know what it’s like to be with your friends, yet desperately want to go home.

I ask myself all the time- will things ever be okay. 

Will I ever be me again. The girl that loved being with my friends. The girl that loved school. The girl that enjoyed church on Sunday mornings. The girl that loved life. Would I ever get my life back?

I pray that one day I do, but realistically, I don’t know. 

I put on a smile. People probably assume I’m okay. They ask me how I feel, and fine is what I say. 

Sometimes it’s easier to say I’m fine and move on. It’s easier to be silent than to tell them how I really feel. Because in all honesty, it hurts knowing that they can hear your words, but never understand the pain.”

Before this, I never realized how much I took for granted- going to the mall, going to school, hanging out with my friends, simply laying in bed because I wanted to be lazy and not because I was in pain. 

I go between wanting to stay quiet because I don’t want to sound like the complaining friend, to wanting to talk about it so I don’t feel like I’m going through this alone. 

I’ve been told by doctors that it’s not life-threatening, just life-changing, and that I should be happy because it’s not so and so. 

But you don’t always have to be grateful it’s not something worse”

I’m sorry but I would do anything to take a pill and to feel normal again. So no, I’m not going to be grateful that it isn’t the next worst thing. It is bad- to me. It took everything from me, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it’s okay because it’s not something worse. 

You are your own judge of your own pain. No one else can tell you the struggles you face daily isn’t worthy of making it on the bad scale. 

To be honest, I love school- but if I would have known this was going to get this bad, I would not have come back to school this year. And some days I wonder how I am going to make it through next year. I have one more year left until graduation and I really want to finish. But if I’m telling you the truth, I have no idea how it’s going to work out. I’m scared of letting myself and everyone else down, all because my body is deciding it doesn’t want to function correctly. 

All because of a little thing called Dysautonomia and IST. 

I want to hang out with my friends- but simply going to the mall for an hour brings so much dizziness and chest pain. I never say anything because I don’t want to be that friend. 

I used to love food- now I absolutely hate it. One bite, and I’m nauseated and dizzy. Since when should eating a meal become something you’re terrified of? 

I am not typing this out for any sympathy, because I don’t want it. I am simply typing this out for the person that feels like the struggles they are facing are not good enough. Your struggles are not something you should be ashamed of or feel like you should hide. We each have our own struggles. There is not a scale to rate them on. Don’t be ashamed to tell your story, no matter how small you might think it is. 

There is no testimony without a test.”

I don’t understand the reasons behind the things God allows us to go through. Maybe one day I’ll wake up, and understand why God is allowing this pain. 

But until then, I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing for the past two years- wake up, put on a smile, and just make it through that day. 

That’s all we can do. 


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1 thought on “Broken.”

  • Britt, I want you to know how very proud I am of you and I’m one of those who don’t understand either. I wish I could take away your pain, I would in a second, my babies are my life and only want them happy and healthy. Just remember God has his reasons why we all go through what we do , I sometimes don’t understand either but someday maybe we will. Just remember Maw-Maw loves you with every bit of her heart.

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