Beauty from Pain

People like to say all the time that- 

He gives us beauty for ashes and a spirit of joy for mourning.

I’m struggling with believing that. You can tell me every single day that God has a plan and that all the pain is for a reason, but that doesn’t make the pain any easier.

I don’t feel like I’m myself anymore and that causes the most pain, even more than the physical pain I’m in. I will smile. I will tell you I’m fine. All because I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to admit how bad this is getting and how much it’s taking away from me.

My blog has always been like a diary. It’s always been something I could turn to when I was going through a hard time. It has gone through divorce, new schools, moving, new jobs, depression, anxiety and now this. It’s gone through many stages with me, and this is a stage I hate to write about. A stage where I can lie and tell you I’m happy or that I’m okay, but I’m not.

I’ve experienced anxiety for as long as I can remember. But recently I’m starting to experience health anxiety, which is different for me. Basically I get really anxious thinking about going to class because I’m afraid of blacking out while there. I absolutely hate driving because I black out driving too. I hate making plans because I never know what’s going to be happening that day. 

I thought just general anxiety was bad, but this is something I’ve never experienced before. I just want to be me again.

I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like I’m trapped inside the body of someone else, and I so desperately want out. It’s hell, and  I’m scared I’ll never get back to being myself. 

Being a college student while living with this isn’t easy. I am fighting every single day to make it through another day of classes. I am fighting through the day just to make it through the day. 

I feel like a burden the more I talk about it, but I shouldn’t. This is my life. It’s something I am going through, so I shouldn’t feel like it’s something I should hide. I can’t help that this is happening to me, but it is, and I don’t want to stay silent. 

This has taken so much from me. It’s caused me to be secretly depressed for the past four months. I place a smile on my face, and go on with my life the best I can, while inside, I’m breaking. All I want is just one day to feel like myself. I dream of one moment where I forget about the pain. One moment where I feel normal. 

The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes-“Beauty from Pain”

I am just moving through the motions. Every single day I am just hoping to survive. I take a pill every day to give me “my life back” from the heart condition that has taken it away but it doesn’t. I’ve been fighting for two years, and no amount of pills will ever fix this. Only God can. So I wait. I wait for Him to heal me, but I know that it might not ever happen, and that’s scary in itself. 

So as I fight off the anxiety, and fight through the depressions, and breathe through the pain. I try to keep the tiny amount of hope I have left. I try, because that’s all I can do right now- try.

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