I try my hardest to stay positive. I try my hardest to believe that everything will be okay. But I will admit, there are days I don’t see a getting better in my future.
I had another doctors appointment today. I have spent weeks praying and today I hit a wall. I truly believed my prayers would be answered. That we would be close to being done with this, and yet I feel like we’re starting over.
More changes. More tests. No new answers.
Honestly, I am so tired, and mad at God. I probably shouldn’t admit that, right? But it’s the truth. I am mad at Him. People have told me for years to trust in God’s plan, and that an unanswered prayer isn’t always a bad thing. Well, sure. Maybe sometimes unanswered prayers might not seem like a bad thing, but when you honestly feel like you’re getting sicker, and doctors can’t seem to pinpoint a cause, and there’s no cure, an unanswered prayer seems like a very bad thing.
I don’t think I am able to cry anymore today. Is it possible to run out of tears? Because either I have, or I’ve lost the energy to cry anymore today.
Have you ever heard the question, what would you discuss with Jesus if you both had dinner together? or what would you ask Jesus if you were face to face?
Well- I’d simply ask Him why.
Why me? Not only why me, but why hasn’t He given doctors the right path to go down. Why He hasn’t given them a cure. Why He hasn’t healed me.
Why does it feel like He keeps letting me down.
Those are some of the questions that I would ask Jesus if we were face to face.
I am tired of getting my hopes up. I am tired of going to these appointments with the mindset that it’ll finally make sense. I am just tired.
Today, on my way to my appointment this song played. It played on my way home from the appointment, too. When I told God that I was done believing in Him and done with church, and living this christian life when I can’t say that I even know what I believe, this line immediately started playing over and over in my head. Through All Of It.
I won’t lie- I don’t know where I am at, at this moment. I’m holding on to the hope that I will find hope. Find healing, or find acceptance when I don’t. Find patience for the days, weeks, months, years, I have to go through this before doctors figure it all out.
Even find God along the way.