Some hope.

It’s not the outcome I wanted.

I wanted to walk in those hospital doors with a misbehaving Herald (my heart is such a big part of my life, he deserved a name, right?! LOL), and walk out with a well-behaved Herald.

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Well that didn’t happen.

I left with a tiny bit of hope implanted in my chest (literally). I was given a permanent heart monitor (linq recorder), which I will wear up to three years- until they find a cause for my heart’s rapid beating.

Although it’s not the hope I was hoping for, it’s something.

Usually after every disappointing appointment, I would leave questioning God. I would get mad at Him for not providing answers.

I woke up from my first procedure, and when I asked for the results (hoping to be told they were able to fix it), I was told the opposite, and I tried to hold in the tears, but I couldn’t.

I cried as they hooked and unhooked wires.

Each nurse that walked in asked if I was okay, and each time I lied.

Each time I told them I was fine, when I knew deep down I was disappointed again.

Finally, another nurse asked me and I told her the truth- no.

image1No I am not fine. She asked me why. She thought I was crying from the physical pain, yet the physical pain doesn’t compare to the depressing pain I feel knowing that I’d leave and have to continue living this way.

I told her. I told her how I want so desperately to feel normal again. I told her how I want to make it through my last year of college, and how I want to just be me again.

She told me she understood it was frustrating, and she walked away. Her statement so plain. Her statement was short. I didn’t expect a long response, but the one she gave me couldn’t be further from the truth.

I know she didn’t understand. She didn’t know what to say to me. No one does. I understand that others don’t truly understand what I go through. Just like I don’t understand what other people are going through.

The saying- Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, is such a true statement.

I write these posts as a way for me to express myself, but also to spread awareness for the undiagnosed, and invisible illness community. To shine a little light for us that are dealing with things that no one else knows. I cannot explain the amount of people I have had message me since my procedures, saying they didn’t know about this. I try my hardest to not share it too much, but it’s getting bad. So bad I’m done hiding it. I am slowly losing myself in it. 

I am so ready to be back to normal. I am so ready to say adios to bad Herald, and hello to good Herald.

I left the hospital with a little hope. Although it’s not the outcome I wanted, or the outcome I prayed so long for, it’s a little something.

Sometimes the smallest hope is all you need to keep moving forward.

 

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1 Comment

  1. Baby all we can do is pray and keep the faith that one day soon the doctors will be able to fix this so you can get back to a normal life. It hurt me so bad seeing you lying in that bed knowing I couldn’t do anything to take away the pain, from the day you were born I have always been able too help make all your boo boos better but this one I can’t I can only pray that someday they can figure out the cause and fix it. I don’t like it when my babies are hurting and I’m helpless all I can do is pray and that I do. I love you my first grandchild with all my heart as well as all my grandchildren and I don’t like the hurt in any of my babies. I love you Brittany ♡ ♡ ♡

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