For the first time in a really long time I am okay. 

I went to yet another appointment last Friday. I was somewhere between ‘dreading it’ and ‘hopeful’. I left actually feeling okay about it all, which is a first. Like most appointments, I was put on more medication. But like most appointments, I was really hoping for something different. I am so tired of taking medications to “fix” the problem when it doesn’t fix anything. He also decided that it’s time to see a neurologist. Another doctor added to my lovely list. Yet I am praying another set of opinions and eyes will find the cause to it all. 

But, I also was praying that he didn’t suggest another procedure. After the last one, I am really not looking forward to anything like that again. Obviously if it meant I’d be better, I’d do it in a heartbeat. 

So I guess if I am not ready for another procedure, then I’ll have to settle with medications for now and another doctor. 

He told me that my heart has gone over 200 beats a minute… twice. 

I honestly thought he was joking. Until now, the highest has been 180. I’ve hit a new record! wahoo! 

But at the same time, 200 beats a minute isn’t good. Obviously. And I know beating over 100, for years and years, isn’t going to be good either. So right now, as much as I want to feel better now, I need to start thinking about the future. As much as I hate how these medications make me feel, and how they don’t work 100% of the time, they do work at least some of the time, so for that I need to be thankful. 

This past week has been a weird. I was dizzy literally every single second, had to pull over while driving multiple times, blacked out once, and went out of it once (where when I came back to, my coffee was all over my desk- yay). 

This week has showed me that this isn’t going away. It showed me that even though I really hate this diagnosis/treatment process, I really need to trust God, and keep moving forward, because if this past week was an indication of how much worse it can get, I really need this fixed, fast. 

So here’s to another medication. Here’s to a new doctor. Here’s to another week of living with this. 

But here’s to another week of learning to trust God. Another week of keeping hope. Another week to remember how fragile life can be and just be thankful for the little things.