I am not okay- yet.

Today started out not so good. Long story short, I broke down in tears in the bathroom (even though I shed a few at my desk). For the first time I realized how much this was affecting me, and how I can no longer hide it. 

I never like to tell people how much this is affecting me. No one knows how bad it really is. Not my family, my friends, or even this blog. People will tell me, I’m so sorry, I hope you get better.  All I can think is- if they only knew. 

The machine that connects to my implanted heart monitor that shows the marathons my heart likes to run.

If they only knew that what they see is a front. What they see is the me I present. That the I’m Fine probably means Today was really hard, and I’m in a lot of pain but I’m here. 

I smile a lot, even when I’m not feeling good. I don’t feel good about 99% of the time, and that’s not an exaggeration. I don’t even remember what good, or normal feels like. 

Today I realized how hard it truly is, to put on a face of I’m okay. I mean, my slogan on this blog is it’s okay to not be okay

…. yet, I am having a hard time admitting i’m not okay. 

But, although the first half of the day was not okay, the second half was. 

I went back for my last check up before school starts. 

And finally, after almost THREE years, I heard the words I have waited for. 

“The searching is over. No more tests.”

I was told I am having a lot of Atrial Tachycardia, and once fixed I should be back to okay, whatever okay is.

But, I am so excited to truly feel okay again.

We’ve made so many steps, and today was the first time I feel like we truly stepped a foot in the right direction.

One more step to being okay.  

  • Bulah

    I am so very thankful the doctors are finally going in the right direction, with lots of prayers and the grace of God we will make it thru this and you can get back to normal. I love you Brittany and if I could take your pain I would gladly do so. Keep your faith baby and always remember Maw-Maw loves you and all her babies