Even if.

Many days I ask myself what I will do if this never goes away. What will happen if this is the plan God has for my life? Just one diagnosis after another, without relief. 

Some days I think about my life, and wonder how it could get worse. How much more could I handle? 

I hate answering the phone when the nurse calls, but at the same time, I know what to expect. 

Yesterday I had another phone call. 

Another diagnosis. 

Another thing to add to my list. 

Another thing to make life even more difficult. 

Another thing that is another answer. 

I hate to say that I’m slowly getting used to this. I’m not sure how to explain it, but it’s a numb feeling. Slowly getting used to all these doctor appointments. Slowly getting used to increasing medications, and changing medications. 

Slowly getting used to my life being controlled my medicine.

Slowly getting used to my prayers never getting answered. Slowly getting used to the healing never coming. 

And that’s hard to admit. But, I am. I have to live with this daily, so I had to get used to the fact that I might not ever be healed. My heart might never beat normally. My heart might forever be broken. 

I’ve asked myself this: Will I be okay if I’m never better? 

Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes the answer is no. Some days I don’t know how to be happy living with this. 

But then some days I’m okay with being given this because it’s brought some positive things in my life, like a community, new friends, new experiences, and a new outlook on life. 

Right now I’m trying to remain positive, and even if I never find healing, believing in the good, and finding positivity through it all.