A Letter to God From The Girl That Desperately Wants to be Healthy.

God, 

I hate this. I used to say that I hated you because of unanswered prayers. I’m sorry- I don’t hate you. I just hate this. The pain. The unanswered tests. The unanswered prayers. The longing to be healthy.

I never used to despise medication until I relied on it every day. I never used to want to cry with medication changes. Now that I take three medications, 5 1/2 pills, a day, just to create a [hopefully] well beating heart that day, is exhausting. 

It might not seem bad to others, but every morning, and every night I have to take pills to correct an organ that should be able to work properly. 

People tell me to just not think about it, and not to focus on it. How can I? When the first thing I have to think about in the morning and the last thing I have to think about at night is take your medicine. So my day begins and ends with- your heart is broken. Literally. 

I don’t want a broken heart, God. 

I don’t want this. I don’t know what your plans are, but I’m getting to the point I can’t do this on my own anymore. I try to smile. I try to act like it’s no big deal. I pretend that I am okay, because I have medication and You by my side, and maybe that’s all I need, but I just don’t want to do this anymore. God, I am done being strong. I am done acting like I’m okay. 

This isn’t fair. There has to be a cure out there somewhere. Better treatment options. Better pain management. Better days. 

I know you have a plan, and I don’t doubt that. I just wish you could help make it a little easier. Or show me the plan you have. Show me the purpose behind this broken heart. 

I desperately want to be healthy again. And I want to say with confidence- if this is the life you plan for me, that I’m okay with it- but I don’t know how to say that. I used to say it, but I’m so tired. 

So tired of telling people it’s okay, when they ask about it. Tired of telling people that, doctors have it under control, when obviously they don’t. Tired of smiling when people say, I hope you get to feeling better, when I will never be better, unless a cure/treatment is found. 

God, all I ask is if you won’t fix my heart, please make it easier to accept the struggles it brings. 

Sincerely, 

a girl that prays to be healthy one day. 

 

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1 thought on “A Letter to God From The Girl That Desperately Wants to be Healthy.”

  • Oh, BN. I desperately want you to be healthy as well. I intend to live to see the day that you write, “I’m FREE of this!”

    But until that happens, I’m going to tell you to do something else.

    Embrace the suck.

    The only way you’re going to win on a daily basis is by owning the pain and the despair, and by spitting in God’s eye if need be.

    You will become harder than pain, and in the end harder than death. And when you step through the Pearly Gates one day, God and all His angels will stand aside, and fear to meet your eye.

    Own the suck, dear BN, and you will own Heaven.

    I’ll be waiting for you, with a cold Fosters. Australian for beer, mate!

    And as a PS, I love your heart, your courage, and you. Yeah, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve. Sue me.

    http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2016/09/your-dying-spouse-203-caregiver-fail.html

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