I hate this. I used to say that I hated you because of unanswered prayers. I’m sorry- I don’t hate you. I just hate this. The pain. The unanswered tests. The unanswered prayers. The longing to be healthy.
I never used to despise medication until I relied on it every day. I never used to want to cry with medication changes. Now that I take three medications, 5 1/2 pills, a day, just to create a [hopefully] well beating heart that day, is exhausting.
It might not seem bad to others, but every morning, and every night I have to take pills to correct an organ that should be able to work properly.
People tell me to just not think about it, and not to focus on it. How can I? When the first thing I have to think about in the morning and the last thing I have to think about at night is take your medicine. So my day begins and ends with- your heart is broken. Literally.
I don’t want a broken heart, God.
I don’t want this. I don’t know what your plans are, but I’m getting to the point I can’t do this on my own anymore. I try to smile. I try to act like it’s no big deal. I pretend that I am okay, because I have medication and You by my side, and maybe that’s all I need, but I just don’t want to do this anymore. God, I am done being strong. I am done acting like I’m okay.
This isn’t fair. There has to be a cure out there somewhere. Better treatment options. Better pain management. Better days.
I know you have a plan, and I don’t doubt that. I just wish you could help make it a little easier. Or show me the plan you have. Show me the purpose behind this broken heart.
I desperately want to be healthy again. And I want to say with confidence- if this is the life you plan for me, that I’m okay with it- but I don’t know how to say that. I used to say it, but I’m so tired.
So tired of telling people it’s okay, when they ask about it. Tired of telling people that, doctors have it under control, when obviously they don’t. Tired of smiling when people say, I hope you get to feeling better, when I will never be better, unless a cure/treatment is found.
God, all I ask is if you won’t fix my heart, please make it easier to accept the struggles it brings.
a girl that prays to be healthy one day.