People have questions. They’re curious. 

But, explaining it is hard.
Doctors can barely explain, so how can I?
It’s like living in a cloud. Living in pain. 

The other day, for the first time ever, I started blacking out, and had somewhat of a convulsion in the middle. I pushed it to the side, like that was normal- but it’s not. 

And that terrifies me. People either act like I’m perfectly fine, or I’m dying. There’s no in-between to others. I’m in the middle somewhere. I’m not fine, but I’m also not dying. But Dysautonomia, and a heart condition did take away my life.  

All I want is to go back. Go back to a time when I didn’t know what constant pain felt like. I didn’t know what a life spinning out of control was like. I didn’t know what Dysautonomia, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Neurocardiogenic Syncope, Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia, Atrial Tachycardia, or Supraventricular Tachycardia was. 

Now, I know it all too well. 

All I want is one day. One day where I don’t black out. One day where I’m not dizzy. One day where I am me again. The girl that was oblivious to what her life would be like just a short time later. The girl that had huge dreams, and now all I dream of is one day to feel better- whatever better is. 

To genuinely smile. To truly laugh. To breathe again. To be me.