It’s hard to think that God planned this. The pain.
That he looked at me, and said, “I’m giving her this. I’m giving her all these strange heart conditions that doctors don’t understand, but is okay because she can handle it”.
Some days I just want to scream at God. Some days I want to cry to God. Most days, I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know whether to be mad or sad.
I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year. December will mark 3 years since my first diagnosis.
I remember sitting in the small room, thinking, “this is no big deal”.
Little did I know, my life was never going to be the same.
Many tests, four diagnosis, a surgery, and a permanent heart monitor would soon be coming my way.
Never did I know that a 24 hour monitor that I thought was simply annoying, because “I can’t have anything wrong with my heart”, would lead to this.
To this blog. To the life I have now. To the friends I’ve made. To the relationship I have with God. To everything my life is now.
As much as I hate my health being like this, if I wasn’t diagnosed, my life would be so different. And somedays I wish it was different, because this pain is so much. It’s definitely taking it’s toll on me. But I’m done fighting it.
I’m done fighting. I’m having a second procedure in a week, and that’s my last treatment. I’m done with medications. I’m done fighting to find a better me. Because, this is me. This is my life, and maybe it’s time I stop fighting it. Maybe it’s time I accept this. Accept that God gave me this, and it’s my duty to use it, in whatever way He wants me to. Like writing this blog, and spreading awareness for the Invisible Illness community. For shining some hope to those that are fighting this fight too. Maybe God’s plan is bigger than I ever knew. Maybe it’s time I accept this plan, as painful as it is. God does have a plan. I just need to stop, and listen to Him.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m ready to use this for His glory. Show His story, through mine. After all, my life doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to Him.
I’m done fighting. I’m ready to finally live.