To the best friend I lost.

I miss you. Simple as that. 

I never thought in a million years we would go out separate ways. We used to joke about how we would get matching tattoos, but we would never get them with a guy- because we had more faith in our friendship than a relationship with a guy. 

I think about you daily. And it hurts. It hurts because when I wanted to cry to someone, my first instinct was to text you. When I was happy, I just wanted to share it with you. 

I’ve never experienced a pain like this. I’ve cried more tears over this friendship ending than I ever thought possible. I did not only lose a friendship but my sister. 

I not only lost you, but also your family.

You knew all my secrets. You knew me. Like truly knew me. 

I don’t know what went wrong. I mean, I can tell you from my point of view what happened, but I’m sure from your side it looks different. I want you back in my life so badly. I want to pick up where we left off. I want to run up to you and give you a huge hug. 

But I don’t even know what I’d do if I saw you. Because so much hurt has built up. I can tell you exactly why I’m hurt, but I feel like it’ll send us around in circles. 

I’m disappointed. In you. In me. In us both. 

So much has happened and all I want to do is tell you. I’m literally crying as I’m typing this. This is the hardest thing to write. To write a letter to my best friend because we can’t even talk. To write a letter about how we aren’t friends anymore. This is hard. It’s all too hard. 

And I want it to end. I want to be friends again. To go back to how it was. To be so close we laugh until we cry, and not like this where we just cry. 

I don’t know what the future holds- I just know I’m hurt, and I’m sure you’re hurt too. We both have our reasons and their both validated. I guess you can say we’re both too stubborn. 

But although our friendship is lost, I will not apologize for the reason it was lost. Just like I’m sure you don’t take back anything you said or did. 

Because in my eyes, the reason why it was lost is not a reason I will ever apologize for. 

And maybe that’s how we know it’s truly different now. Because we are both refusing to admit we’re in the wrong, shows us that we’re in two different places. 

And unfortunately best friends need to be on the same page, not in two different books. 

I miss you. I love you. And that will never change. I will always be here for you if you ever need me, and I hope the same goes for me if I ever need you. 

I’m sure everyone has their opinions and have picked their sides. 

I’ve received messages from strangers, and have seen my

picture posted on social media with rude comments attached. Obviously people have picked their side. 

But no one knows what truly happened. Not even us really. 

But what I do know is that I’m not going anywhere. I’m just done crying. I’m done picking up my phone to text you. I’m done planning all these things to say, and being scared to say them because I don’t want to be hurt. I’m done. 

But I’m here. Here if you ever are ready to talk about this- and truly talk about it. I’m just done breaking my heart over and over every single day dwelling on it. 

Love always.