Speaking Out- I forgive you.

I never wanted to write this out. Never wanted the words to be visible. But the last few days have made me realize that until I make peace with this, and you, I will never be able to truly move past this. 

You hurt me. 

Plain and simple. You hurt me in the most vulnerable places of my soul. You took things away from me that I can never get back. 

When I first met you, you had a way about you that made me feel safe, until you slowly turned that safety into control. 

You could say jump, and I would have jumped. And you knew that. You knew that you had me right where you wanted me. 

I never wanted to write this. But you took the word no, and turned it into an I can do whatever I want. 

The first time you asked me if you could do something, and I hesitated, and said “I don’t-“, and you continued before I could finish my sentence and said, it’s no big deal.

I cried the entire way home. I cried because I thought I did something wrong. I was so confused to why someone who said they loved me, could point blank ignore my words. 

You then knew that you could do and say whatever you wanted. 

You told me that if I turned you on, I had no choice but to have sex. 

You got mad at me for saying no. You told me sex was just sex. You told me you loved me and this was what I was to do if I loved you. You told me I was a tease. You got mad at me for saying no.

I stayed. I cried. I questioned my self worth. 

It took me going on vacation to get away, yet you still had me. You still had me under your thumb. 

I was five hours away, and still tied to you. 

You were upset that I had left you to go with my family. You decided the first night I was away to send me a list of ten things I had done wrong. It all boiled down to the fact that I wouldn’t have sex with you. 

I tried to defend myself, but it didn’t matter. My wants meant nothing to you. Your so called needs were the only thing that mattered. 

I had never felt so attacked as I did reading a list of things that made me less of a person in your eyes. 

I was accused of things, yelled at, and cussed at. And then you’d come right back and tell me you loved me. I don’t know how love can be involved in such hatred. 

I was a Christian, and that was wrong to you. You told me I could believe whatever I wanted, but that you didn’t realize you were dating someone who was that much of a Christian.  

I told you I was saving certain things until marriage, and yet you took some of those very things away from me. 

And when I finally had enough of being treated that way, I felt the most immense amount of guilt for those things happening. I felt so ashamed, and I wanted to hide in my room. 

I was so scared of you, and who you were becoming, that it took me being five hours away to walk away. Yet, it’s taken me a really long time to have peace with all of it. 

I have had nightmares the last few months. I have had panic attacks when I’d see a truck that looked like yours, or someone would say something that reminded me of you. I would have flashbacks if I passed your street. I want to just forget you. Yet, when I finally try to, you come back. 

I have never written about you. When I ended things, you said now you can go write about me to the world, and that’s what I am finally doing.

I have found out what love really is. I have found a man that treats me how I deserve to be treated.

I have finally made peace with it all. 

This is me speaking out, and saying I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for making me doubt God. I forgive you for taking certain things away from me. I forgive you for everything.