Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything, mainly because the one thing I’ve wanted to write about, we haven’t been sharing. Now that we have made it public….. I’m going to be a mom! I am still in shock writing those words. But I could not be more excited and thankful for what God’s already done in these past ten weeks. I honestly did not think a month ago that we’d be here today- ten weeks pregnant. We’ve had a lot of scares, and I’ve spent weeks crying with fear that something was going wrong. But God showed me that even if something goes wrong, I still am a mom. I still have a child, and that I need to be happy, and have joy no matter what happens.
I have always been open about my struggles, and I don’t plan to stop during this new season.
Last year, when my heart condition was making my life really painful, I gave up the idea of ever having a baby. Soon after giving up the idea, my heart started to slowly get better. I started having less black outs, and was in less pain. Like always, usually these moments of “better” go away, but this one kept on.
When I knew I could be pregnant, I stopped my medication. I haven’t been off medication long term since starting it 4 years ago. But I know that this is what’s best. Even if everyone around me is telling me I’m wrong. And I get it. People are scared. People have their opinions. People think the chances are slim, and that it won’t hurt the baby. I just wish every single person could think of it from my perspective. I have a life growing inside of me that depends on me. Even if there’s a small chance that the medication can affect my baby, that’s still a chance. I don’t understand how people can tell me I am wrong, or being selfish, especially if they are a parent themselves. Because as a parent, you want to protect your child, even if that means bringing pain upon yourself.
And if my health gets bad, and if my cardiologist says that this is the only way to keep me safe, then I will make a plan from there. My safety is important as well, but if I am pushing through off the meds, then that’s the route I want to take.
Last night, I cried myself to sleep in pain. And I just kept telling myself that this is not my child’s fault. I am doing this for my child. I am fighting this fight for my child.
And right now, I am doing pretty good. It hasn’t been as tough on my heart, or my body as I thought it would. I want people to see that. To see that I am doing okay. To see that maybe I was right. Maybe my heart will be okay through this.
I have a team of doctors that are making sure I am safe. Even if 2/3 of the doctors don’t agree with me on my decisions, I at least know that I have a support team, even if they don’t understand my choices.
I knew before ever becoming pregnant, that when I did, I’d make these decisions. And the moment I saw the double line on the pregnancy test, it was clear to me why I was going to do this. I am not doing this to be difficult. I am not doing this to scare anyone. I am doing this for my baby. Because I know I am strong enough to handle this. I know and trust my body and my heart. And even though I don’t understand why my heart does what it does, I am still here. I am still fighting. And I know that I will be okay. And when my baby is born, I can look him/her in the eyes and tell them that I fought for them. I didn’t rethink continuing the pregnancy like a doctor suggested. I never thought about ending my child’s life. I only thought about how to make sure I am doing everything possible to bring them into this world safely.
People are worried. And I get that. But my God is so much bigger than anything that could possibly happen. He knew this baby before I ever even thought about having a child. He knew the circumstances of the pregnancy. He knew every single doctor that would be on board with my decisions. He knew every single doctor that would disagree. He knew the people I would need right now during this time, and who I would not need.
He planned every single detail, and I have no reason to worry. I made my decision on the healthcare I want, and God is beside me every step of the way. I am going to be fight through all the obstacles doctors place in front of me, and I am going to fight my way to becoming a mom.