July and Triggers.

I haven’t done this in a while. I’ve missed writing, but I’ve had a difficult time coming up with words to say, especially when I know others are reading it.

One thing I’ve realized the past few months, and really the past year, is that I will probably have to live with these thoughts forever. Last summer was when it really started to take over, and since then, it’s been increasingly getting worse. {Read this to know what I am referring to- Post 1, Post 2, Post 3, Post 4}.

As the 4th of July starts to come around the corner, I find the memories coming back full speed. And I know once we’re actually in the month of July, the month it all happened, it will be even worse.

“The body remembers. Stuffed away until an event, a sound, a sight, a touch, a word, or a person awakens them.”

It took me a while to finally come to terms with what happened. It took me being in another relationship (and now marriage) before I realized how much it really affected me. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded. Little things can send the memories in, and some things can send so many memories my way that I emotionally and mentally shut down- and I hate that. I hate that I am reminded. I hate that it affects me this much.

Most don’t see it. Most don’t even know what happened, or if they do, they don’t understand why it affects me. I’ve had people tell me because I didn’t love this person, it shouldn’t matter.

Whether or not you love someone doesn’t make what happened any less {or more} important. I talk about it and am open because it’s how I cope, and if I can help one person know that their body is their body, then I am doing something valuable.

After it happened, he told me to share it {“now you may go write about me to the world”}, which will never make sense to me why he said those words- but I do share it. I try to share as much as I can when these feelings come around, so that way I’m not keeping it bottled up {which never is a good thing}, and also for anyone else that has experienced anything similar.

The first time you asked me if you could do something, and I hesitated, and said “I don’t-“, and you continued before I could finish my sentence and said, it’s no big deal.

I was so confused to why someone who said they loved me, could point blank ignore my words.

You then knew that you could do and say whatever you wanted.

You told me that if I turned you on, I had no choice but to have sex.

You got mad at me for saying no. You told me sex was just sex. You told me you loved me and this was what I was to do if I loved you. You told me I was a tease. You got mad at me for saying no.

I stayed. I cried. I questioned my self worth.

Afterwards I never thought it would impact me this much. I never knew how many triggers I would face. Things that make no sense to anyone else, but to me, they send me into flashbacks.

The beach. Sonic. A particular road. Video games. The lake. Rape scenes/talk on television shows. Motorcycles. Tan trucks. Sexual jokes. July.

And there’s more I could add.

July will make two years. I’ve never been so anxious for a month to occur. But I survived July once. I can survive again.

I don’t know how much more I’ll open up on this subject. Obviously writing it out means I have to go back to that place, and think about it again, so while writing can sometimes be therapeutic, sometimes it does the opposite.

I will end this post with this- you’re not alone. I thought I was. I have struggled so much with what happened in silence, only really opening up to my husband. I thought when I got into a relationship it would go away. I thought when I got married, it wouldn’t matter. I thought when the years passed, the memories would fade. I was wrong. Nothing fades. The pain still is embedded. And I honestly don’t know why. I don’t know why it still hurts so much. But it does. But I am making it through. And you can too. 

BNW

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