A little honesty.

Being a mom has been amazing, and I am so blessed to have my son in my life. The love I have for him is indescribable. 

A few years ago I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to carry a baby, or have the energy to be a mom. I was at a very low time in my life emotionally, and physically. My body felt like it was failing me. 

Doctor appointments, medications, and the right treatment got me to a good place where I felt like I could make my dream to be a mom a reality. 

We planned our precious baby. 

The first month was easy. The second got harder. Each month was harder and harder. The pregnancy was definitely taking a toll on my body, and my heart. 

Lately I’ve been thinking about what the future holds regarding expanding our little family in the next few years- and it terrifies me. 

I want to give my son a sibling, but I also have a huge fear of going through it again. I care about him so much that I am afraid to risk not being able to take care of him to my fullest ability for nine months. 

Chronic illness has been very hard on my life- but not just physically. It takes an emotional toll on your life. At 24, I shouldn’t have to think about whether I can handle another pregnancy. It’s tough, thinking about the future. Thinking about if it’s fair to my child to have another child. To risk not giving him the mom he deserves for nine months. 

I never realized how hard it would be. The amount of anxiety it gives me thinking about it. Thinking about what the right decision is. 

But although it’s a decision that terrifies me, I know it’ll be a decision that’ll we’ll come to in the next few years that will be the right fit for us. 

The last six years dealing with my heart has been difficult to say the least, but it’s definitely taught me so much.

It’s taught me to trust God with the unknown. To trust him even when I am scared. My personality is the type to want to have a plan, and a definite outcome, and that is not something a heart condition provides. 

But although I am scared and worried of the future, I know that God has it all planned out. The good, the bad, and everything in between. 

 

 

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