I used to dream of being a mom. I could not wait to embark on that journey. But then my journey with a chronic illness began. I was 18, in college, and single, so I never thought much of my future as a mom.
I then started dating, and the thought of being a mom would come and go from my mind. I’d ask myself if I even thought it would be possible. I considered all my options- adoption, surrogacy, and pregnancy. I knew ultimately I wanted to be a mom no matter how that came about, but I really desired to carry my own child.
A few years into my journey with my heart, I met my husband. I was terrified to even mention children. Normally this would come about later on in the relationship, but with there being a possibility that I could not carry a pregnancy I knew it needed to be an early discussion since this would not only be my life, but his as well. I started to resent my heart (and honestly God too). I didn’t think it was fair that I would never be able to have a normal pregnancy. I would never be able to just get pregnant when it happened or when I desired. I’d have to stop medications, and plan it out carefully in accordance with my health. A part of me wanted to simply give up my dream and desire to be a mom because I did not want to have to plan my life around my illness, and in my mind if I chose not to have children, then I’d be making the decision for myself, and not allowing my heart to do the deciding for me.
But the desire to be a mom never went away. It was strong.
I never truly worried much about my health, in regards to how difficult it would be on my body. My focus was always on the child. I wanted them to be okay. I worried would I be enough for my child? Will I be able to care for him or her like they deserve? Will I be able to adequately play with them without blacking out, and carry them in my arms safely from point A to point B? My biggest concern was the nine months I had to share my body with another human. The medication that was keeping my heart regulated could potentially be harmful for the child that was growing inside of me. I worried would I be enough to provide a safe place for them to grow…. When I tell you it was a struggle, I don’t mean that lightly. It was the hardest nine months of my life. Physically, but also emotionally and mentally. I had about fifteen hospital visits, and one 2 day stay (not including the actual birth).
I wanted to be enough for them. I tried so hard to be enough, and I hadn’t even met him yet. I saw his face on each ultrasound and was so in love with this sweet baby, and I wanted to simply be enough. I spent many nights crying, worried I wouldn’t be the mom he deserved.
My son is now almost 9 months old. He’s been on this earth the same amount of time he was in the womb.
Here’s what I’ve learned during my time as a mom.
♥︎ you will adapt to your circumstances.
♥︎ motherhood is not a one-way or no-way path. It can be different for every single one of us.
♥︎ your child will love you no matter the struggles you face (and most of the time they won’t even notice your struggles).
♥︎ God gave them YOU for a reason.
♥︎ you will always be enough for your child. You are a superhero in their eyes.
♥︎ you are their mom, and no one can replace you.
♥︎ you got this!
Motherhood is not easy. The path to motherhood is different for everyone and does not come simple to most. We each have our own journey, and we are simply doing the best we can. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are enough for your precious baby.