I do not understand this season- and that’s okay.
Many days I do not understand.
I do not understand the pain. Why God chose me to carry this weight. To carry the struggles.
Why my prayers don’t seem to be answered. Why little tasks, like standing, are hard to accomplish without my vision going out, and my heart beating out of my chest.
But then I remember- God carried so much more. He carried the cross for people He knew would never follow him. He forgives us. Forgives us for when we don’t trust in Him. He never strays from us even when we question His plans for our life.
There’s so many days I am mad at God. Mad at him for not answering my prayers, even when I’m crying myself to sleep at night in pain. There’s some Sunday’s that going to church is the last thing I want to do. Trying to act like I have it all together, when I honestly do not understand God’s plan.
And it’s taken me a really long time to be okay with that. To be okay with not knowing God’s plan. Not knowing why He chose this life for me. Why He doesn’t answer my prayers when my chest hurts so much that I can barely move. When my legs don’t want to support my body. When my heart doesn’t know how to beat correctly. When my vision goes black.
Even when I physically feel like my body is failing me, He is holding me right where He wants me.
And that’s very hard for me to say- because although I know deep down in my heart that God is right by my side, some days I don’t feel it.
I am not perfect. My relationship with God is no where near perfect. There’s days I question His purpose for my life, and my heart.
But even in the midst of the anger I sometimes show Him, He still stands beside me, holding my hand through the trials.
I say this to say- I do not have all the answers. I do not know the reason for the struggles you might be going through. And I know that sometimes it is very hard to trust God. Sometimes it might be hard to pray. It might be hard to even consider talking to Him after all the prayers He never answered. But even though it might seem like He is not listening- He is.
He has a purpose for each season in your life. I do not understand the purpose of this season God has me in. Trust me, I wish it was a season of healing and a cure. But until God changes the season for me, I have to trust that the storm I’m in has a reason, and eventually the sun will shine again.