My reason why.

Sometimes when we are going through hardships, we question- “why?“

I do that a lot. Especially when I am trying my hardest to just make it through one more day. One more episode. One more dizzy spell. One more blood pressure crash. One more heart arrhythmia. 

My reason why is this boy.

Years before I saw those two pink lines, I knew the road to this moment would be a struggle. I considered adoption and surrogacy, because I wasn’t sure what the future years would entail, and how my body would handle a pregnancy.

A few months before I found out I was pregnant, I decided that no matter the struggles, I wanted to become a mom and I wanted to embark on this journey. I was about to get married, and start a new life, and I stopped questioning and just went with it. I knew God had this all figured out for me.

and He did.

I became pregnant and the very difficult journey began.

Off medication.

Increased episodes.

New types of episodes.

The whole nine months was a blur.

2-3 ER visits a month.

Doctor appointments every week.

Multiple ultrasounds every month.

Scary moments.

But we both made it through.

I will never forget the first time I had a terrifying type of episode. I had never had one like this before. At the time we did not know why this was happening (now we know it’s from my blood pressure). I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t talk. I could only see.

I felt so alone, yet I wasn’t. This little boy was with me.

He was with me through each up and down.

He is my reason why.

Why I fight every single day. Why I don’t allow my illness to control my life. Why I take my medications. Why I go to my appointments. Why I have surgeries that terrify me. Why I get up every morning ready to tackle whatever new thing my heart condition gives me. He’s the reason why a heart rate above 180bpm is worth it. He’s why I’m able to accept my bottoming out blood pressure. He is why I don’t freak out during every black out.

He’s the reason I am fighting this.

He’s my reason for waking up every day.

I might have given him life, but he is giving me a purpose to keep living this life.