I’m still moving forward.

It’s been a week and a half since my ablation.

Things are 50/50 honestly. Around the house, doing normal tasks, my heart is doing amazing.

But when I try to do anything more, my heart goes back into episodes.

A few days ago I went to the grocery store with my son. Normal day, doing normal tasks.

When I got back to our apartment, I carried him up the stairs, and I instantly could tell my heart was going into an episode.

It took an hour for it to go back to normal.

My heart felt shattered.

My emotions felt all over the place.

I won’t know until next week if it was SVT, and how my heart is truly doing. It can take weeks for my heart to fully heal. It’s still inflamed from the surgery.

Last week I saw my doctor for a check-up and he mentioned that there’s a 5% chance that my SVT will come back, but that he isn’t concerned about it coming back, but that he’s concerned there’s more heart issues going on that we have yet to unfold.

That’s the part that is hard for me. Knowing there’s something wrong but not being able to pinpoint what it is.

The unknown is so scary for me.

The fact that my heart looks okay from the outside, but when you take a camera literally into my heart, that’s where the defects are.

So my mind goes to, what else is there. 

And that’s the part I am trying to let go of. I am trying to breathe. To remember that my God knows everything. That He created my heart, just the way it is. He knows the imperfections, and the arrhythmias. He is a part of all the mis-beats, and the episodes.

He is right there with me.

I lean on Him for all my support, because without Him, I’d be a mess.

But at the same time, it’s hard trusting someone that isn’t answering all your prayers.

I am trying so hard to understand the path God has for me, and to understand that it might not be the path I want to travel.

I might never be healed.

I might live with a broken heart for the rest of my life.

Is that okay with me? No.

Do I have a choice? No.

All I can do is pray that God helps me live this life the best I can.

All I want is to be the best mama I can be. I want to be able to carry my son up the stairs and not have an episode. I want to be able to stand up without the room spinning. I want to be able to have a conversation without brain fog taking over. I want to be able to do all the normal everyday tasks without my heart beating out of my chest.

I want to be normal.

Whatever normal is.

I wanted to give an honest update, and here it is-

I am frustrated. I am confused.

But I am hopeful.

Hopeful because I trust my doctor to keep moving forward with trying to find all the missing pieces.

I am hopeful because I know God is placing the right doctors in my path.

I am hopeful because I have an amazing husband, family and friends as a support system.

Hopeful because I have been living with a known heart condition for almost six years, and I am in a much better place physically, mentally and emotionally, than I was when I was first diagnosed.

I don’t know what the next few weeks will entail. My heart could very well be adjusting to the surgery and the arrhythmias could be from the inflammation.

And that’s what I am praying.

But whatever happens, this journey is one that God has planned, and I am trusting He has a purpose for the pain and the heartache.

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