I wasn’t sure how much I would share, but writing on here is therapeutic for me.
On September 1, I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock. I was excited, but terrified.
On August 1, I had heart surgery, and was put on a new medication that was dangerous to conceive on. Therefore, this wasn’t planned (but God had plans of his own).
I stopped all four of my medications. I prayed and prayed. I was terrified the meds already did their damage.
Two weeks later I started bleeding. My heart sank. I just knew. The amount of guilt I had was unbearable for being on the medication.
I was able to get into the doctor that day, and they did not see a baby on the ultrasound. Either I was a week earlier than I should be, or the baby was already gone.
There was also a subchorionic hematoma- a pooling of blood.
That was the cause of my bleeding. I felt at ease knowing it was from that and not from the baby.
I asked for blood work.
The pregnancy levels were rising appropriately, which was a sigh of relief.
But, my progesterone levels were extremely low. They were a 6.2
Two days later it dropped to a 5.8
They told me anything under 5, they deem unviable.
11 to 90 is the range it should be in.
They told me the levels dropping pointed to a miscarriage. The only other possibility would be that I was about 3 weeks earlier in the pregnancy and that my levels were just not rising yet (which we knew wasn’t the case due to the ultrasound dating).
I wanted to take supplements to try to raise the progesterone to a normal, viable level. I wanted to give the baby a chance.
I was told because no embryo was found on the ultrasound, they would not provide the supplement when there isn’t a baby. Once they see a baby, they would give me the supplements.
I could not see how there would ever be a baby if my levels were dropping.
Progesterone keeps the uterine lining from shedding (shedding would cause a miscarriage).
It took four days of begging to finally get my requests into the right hands. Another 3 days to get the supplement filled.
I truly believe my levels were already under 5 at that point by how they were dropping.
I felt defeated. I cried every day, all throughout the day. All I wanted was this baby to make it.
Hearing people tell me I can try again felt like a stab in the heart. I did not want to try again. I wanted this baby. It wouldn’t be the same.
I felt like I was in a fog. If you’ve ever been through a depression you know that fog all too well. I wanted to be present, but I also wanted to shut everything out around me. All I could focus on was the baby inside of me that they couldn’t see yet as a person.
I no longer was a mom to one child, but two.
I had a list of names for this baby. I had big plans for him or her.
I will be honest- I was mad at God. Why he would allow me to become pregnant, and for this to happen.
I was shattered.
I already went through one risky pregnancy- I did not want to do this again.
I had another ultrasound scheduled for a week later.
The night before I just knew what was going to happen. I was trying to prepare myself for there to be no baby the next day. I’m sure I was letting God know how angry I was as I cried and told Him I was done with the ups and downs. I was tired of the what-ifs. He then spoke to me, you’re planning something that I haven’t even shown to be true.
In that moment I had peace.
I was still mad. I was still angry. But I knew whatever happened, would happen. And as much as I don’t want this to be God’s plan, I have to trust in whatever plan He has.
But I don’t know the plan. He hasn’t shown it yet. So I tried to remain hopeful.
The next day I went to the doctor. I was preparing myself for bad news. I tried to remember the peace that God gave me the day before but I was so scared that I couldn’t shake the feeling of seeing an empty screen.
The ultrasound tech showed the screen and my heart sank.
There was no baby in the sac she was showing the other tech.
She then moved it over, and there was another sac, with a baby and a heart beat. She smiled, and said four words that I could not believe.
There is your baby.
The sac she showed seconds earlier was the blood clot (left on the picture above).
I kept asking her if the baby was okay. I just could not believe he/she survived. Not only survived, but grew and was there on the screen with a beating heart, despite the levels that showed they should not be there.
These lyrics from Even If by MercyMe was exactly how I felt that week.
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
I am still in shock, three weeks later. I wasn’t sure how much of this I would share, but I want to document this pregnancy more than I did with my previous pregnancy.
Pregnancy and my body do not go well together. I knew that. But I did not expect to have other risks added to it.
I do not know how this pregnancy will play out. I have gone through one pregnancy where God provided many miracles and I am praying the same for this little baby.
Trusting God is hard when medical professionals tell you one thing, but I am trying to remember that our God is bigger than what science says.
Little faith is all it takes.