“Healing isn’t about a cure; it’s about never giving up”.

I’m done searching for a cure, which might seem crazy. I feel like searching for a “fix” has caused me to stop living. Do I want prayers? Sure, I would love nothing more than people to pray that God shows me the reason behind these diagnoses. And prayer for my symptoms to get better, and prayer for the days to be easier. But praying for a cure honestly makes it harder because now I am waiting and waiting every single day for that cure.

I would love nothing more than to be cured but I can no longer wait around for it. I have to move forward.

God gave me this life and I am now going to find the purpose behind it.

I will always search for things to make it easier. I will always search for medications or new procedures or trials or whatever to make it not as painful but I’m not gonna continue to try to erase it because there’s no point in trying to. I just want to use what God has given me. Tell my story. Maybe help someone else.

Once I had a therapist tell me I wasn’t being healed because I did not pray hard enough and because I do not believe hard enough. And that stuck with me and made me feel like something was wrong with my relationship with God. It made me feel like something was wrong with me. So I started trying to pray harder. I started questioning why God didn’t love me enough and why God didn’t hear my prayers. That definitely affected my walk with God because here I am praying, asking God to fix me and I’m not being fixed. Eventually I had to accept that it might not be God’s Will for my life to be cured.

I am finally starting to get to a place where I am at peace and that has taken almost 10 years of being chronically ill to get to a point where I’m ok with no cure. I’m not begging God every minute of every day to be cured and now I’m just asking God to show me how to use this and show me the steps I need to take to make sure I am taking care of myself. I need to make sure I am bettering my health. Taking my medications, seeing my doctors regularly, and overall trying to better myself- not erase my illness.

Now that I am looking through life with a different lens, I feel so much better. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have this unbearable guilt. I used to feel so guilty that I wasn’t good enough for God to heal me but now I feel like my relationship with God is getting stronger, now that I’m no longer expecting him to heal me. 

I know this might seem weird, or wrong, but this is just me typing this out to process my feelings.

I still pray for lessened symptoms, for the right medications and the best doctors. I still pray for some things to go away. But I am no longer expecting God to take away something that maybe he is using me for. Maybe God is using being chronically ill for his Glory. and maybe that Glory isn’t healing but maybe it’s a journey showing God amazing grace in my life.