October 3, I saw two pink lines. I was excited, and scared. Scared because I knew the risks that would come. My baby was no surprise, yet he was planned- by us, and by God. I knew the hardship that I would go through. I had a hard time finding an OB that would accept me. Even after finding an OB that would accept me, they didn’t want to accept my baby’s life with the same value as my own. To me, my child was not a clump of cells, but he was a human- my precious baby. It was the hardest nine months of my life. I tried to…
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One day is today.
This month marks five years since I was first diagnosed with a temperamental heart. I’ve gone to more doctor appointments than I can count, and the longest I think I’ve ever gone in between appointments has maybe been around three months. Today, I was cleared for six months. SIX. I’ve been cleared for that long before, but I ended up going in earlier for an appointment. I’m really hoping this six months is really six months. I used to walk out to my car, upset, frustrated, mad at my body, mad at God. Honestly mad at everything. I would question why me. I would sit in my car and cry. I…
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I deserve love, and so do you.
I never thought I’d experience love. Not just simple love, but true, never-ending, hard to put into words love. I’ve experienced heart ache. I’ve experienced hurt. I’ve cried myself to sleep over pointless relationships. I was bullied all throughout school for my appearance and never thought I’d find someone who loved me. I experienced health issues that made me feel like no one would ever want to be with me when doctor appointments are written on my monthly calendar. I starved myself for eight years and never thought I’d find someone who’d understand the struggles of food. I experienced sexual assault so I never thought someone would want to be…
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Lessons from my first year of marriage.
Tomorrow is one year since I married my best friend. I’ve learned a lot of things in this past year. I’ve learned that when they say “marry your best friend“, you should take that seriously. I know what it’s like to be mixed with the wrong people, and I can tell you that being in a relationship with the right person is amazing. Being able to wake up next to your favorite person is something worth waiting for. I’ve learned the importance in finding someone that truly loves you. A person that loves you when you’re mad. A person that loves you when you’re happy, and sad. A person that…
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Admitting is half the battle.
I’m exhausted. Two years ago I began taking an antidepressant. It helped, and I knew it helped. But it wasn’t till the past few weeks that I realized how much it helped. Five weeks ago, after my son was born, my prescription also ran out. With being new to motherhood, and putting everything into taking care of my baby, I’ve put myself on the back burner- like trying to renew my meds. I was off of them the first trimester of my pregnancy, and I could tell a difference in myself, but I honestly thought it was just pregnancy hormones- now I know this feeling isn’t and wasn’t just hormones.…
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My Miracle.
Tomorrow you’ll be three weeks old. I’m still in awe that you’re even here. You made it so far. We made it so far. The 9 months was not easy on either of us. I had many emergency room trips and hospital stays, just to make sure you and I were both safe. I just wanted you safe. At 5 weeks I had a nurse tell me an abortion was the best thing for my health, and carrying a child would be too much on my body. I was scared, but I didn’t care what happened to me, because you were a beautiful baby planned for this world. The first…
