• I do not understand this season- and that’s okay.

    Many days I do not understand. I do not understand the pain. Why God chose me to carry this weight. To carry the struggles. Why my prayers don’t seem to be answered. Why little tasks, like standing, are hard to accomplish without my vision going out, and my heart beating out of my chest. But then I remember- God carried so much more. He carried the cross for people He knew would never follow him. He forgives us. Forgives us for when we don’t trust in Him. He never strays from us even when we question His plans for our life. There’s so many days I am mad at God.…

  • The impossible becomes possible.

    This tiger I bought when I was 5 weeks pregnant. It was the same time that a nurse told me to consider an abortion. She only saw concern for my life, when I saw concern for the life growing inside me. There were so many fears I had, and losing this baby was one of them. I was not going to purposely choose to lose him or her. I saw this at Target and it was the first purchase I made for my little one. It seems like such a little thing but it was such a big deal to have something tangible to hold onto while I was trying…

  • God is bigger than a high risk pregnancy.

    Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything, mainly because the one thing I’ve wanted to write about, we haven’t been sharing. Now that we have made it public….. I’m going to be a mom! I am still in shock writing those words. But I could not be more excited and thankful for what God’s already done in these past ten weeks. I honestly did not think a month ago that we’d be here today- ten weeks pregnant. We’ve had a lot of scares, and I’ve spent weeks crying with fear that something was going wrong. But God showed me that even if something goes wrong, I still…

  • Holding on to Hope.

    A few days ago I had a successful ablation (a procedure that is used to scar small areas in your heart that may be causing arrhythmias). I was so happy to finally {hopefully} be able to have a normal life.  And then it happened yesterday: the beginning of another blackout.  I was heartbroken all over again. I was on the verge of crying, and just wanted to go hide in my room, and lock everyone out. I have experienced a lot of high heart rates, a lot more than I had been recently, which scares me even more. It was suppose to be successful, yet I’m experiencing more episodes.  I am trying to…

  • A Letter to God From The Girl That Desperately Wants to be Healthy.

    God,  I hate this. I used to say that I hated you because of unanswered prayers. I’m sorry- I don’t hate you. I just hate this. The pain. The unanswered tests. The unanswered prayers. The longing to be healthy. I never used to despise medication until I relied on it every day. I never used to want to cry with medication changes. Now that I take three medications, 5 1/2 pills, a day, just to create a [hopefully] well beating heart that day, is exhausting.  It might not seem bad to others, but every morning, and every night I have to take pills to correct an organ that should be able…

  • One day.

    The last few weeks I’ve felt okay- a lot better than usual. I still didn’t feel 100% better, but a little better is enough for me. I stopped myself, and reflected on how I hadn’t had a bad episode in a few weeks, and I was happy. Because like I said, a little better has always been enough.  And then it came- a bad episode.  Although the episodes are painful, I hate them for another reason. I hate them because people see me as not being okay. I do my best, and I’ve never allowed anyone to see what it’s really like. I smile, and tell them I’m fine.  But…