God and my faith are bigger than a high risk pregnancy.

Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything, mainly because the one thing I’ve wanted to write about, we haven’t been sharing. Now that we have made it public….. I’m going to be a mom! I am still in shock writing those words. But I could not be more excited and thankful for what God’s already done in these past ten weeks. I honestly did not think a month ago that we’d be here today- ten weeks pregnant. We’ve had a lot of scares, and I’ve spent weeks crying with fear that something was going wrong. But God showed me that even if something goes wrong, I still am a mom. I still have a child, and that I need to be happy, and have joy no matter what happens.  I have always been open about my struggles, and I don’t plan to stop during this new season.  Last year, when my heart condition was making my life really painful, I gave up the idea of ever having a baby. Soon after giving up the idea, my heart started to slowly get better. I started having less black outs, and was in less pain. Like always, usually these […]

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Holding on to Hope.

A few days ago I had a successful ablation (a procedure that is used to scar small areas in your heart that may be causing arrhythmias). I was so happy to finally {hopefully} be able to have a normal life.  And then it happened yesterday: the beginning of another blackout.  I was heartbroken all over again. I was on the verge of crying, and just wanted to go hide in my room, and lock everyone out. I have experienced a lot of high heart rates, a lot more than I had been recently, which scares me even more. It was suppose to be successful, yet I’m experiencing more episodes.  I am trying to hold on to the hope that I’m still in recovery, and this isn’t permanent.  I have been asked so many times this past week, “how are you doing?” – how am I suppose to respond? I don’t want anyone to pity me. I don’t want to see the disappointment on someones face when I’m still not feeling okay after a successful procedure. I already have enough disappointment in me, I don’t want anymore added.  All I can do is pray. I am so lost. I don’t understand why I’m still […]

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A Letter to God From The Girl That Desperately Wants to be Healthy.

God,  I hate this. I used to say that I hated you because of unanswered prayers. I’m sorry- I don’t hate you. I just hate this. The pain. The unanswered tests. The unanswered prayers. The longing to be healthy. I never used to despise medication until I relied on it every day. I never used to want to cry with medication changes. Now that I take three medications, 5 1/2 pills, a day, just to create a [hopefully] well beating heart that day, is exhausting.  It might not seem bad to others, but every morning, and every night I have to take pills to correct an organ that should be able to work properly.  People tell me to just not think about it, and not to focus on it. How can I? When the first thing I have to think about in the morning and the last thing I have to think about at night is take your medicine. So my day begins and ends with- your heart is broken. Literally.  I don’t want a broken heart, God.  I don’t want this. I don’t know what your plans are, but I’m getting to the point I can’t do this on my own […]

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One day.

The last few weeks I’ve felt okay- a lot better than usual. I still didn’t feel 100% better, but a little better is enough for me. I stopped myself, and reflected on how I hadn’t had a bad episode in a few weeks, and I was happy. Because like I said, a little better has always been enough.  And then it came- a bad episode.  Although the episodes are painful, I hate them for another reason. I hate them because people see me as not being okay. I do my best, and I’ve never allowed anyone to see what it’s really like. I smile, and tell them I’m fine.  But the episodes are scary.  They are scary because I am unsure of what will happen. Unsure how much worse it’ll be than the last. Scary because it’s proof that this is real, and this isn’t normal. Scary because it’s a reminder that I’m not okay.  Someone asked me today, “so what exactly is wrong?” I laughed because I don’t really know.  For the ones that read these posts and are curious, below is the best explanation of what’s going on. My heart beats really fast (tachycardia). It does it while […]

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Tomorrow is hope.

For the past two and a half years I’ve dealt with a rapidly beating heart. People assume it’s no big deal, but having your heart beating out of your chest randomly, isn’t fun, and honestly besides being annoying, it can be painful.  I’ve searched and searched for answers. Finally- doctors concluded, ‘Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia’, which there is currently no cure for, just medications to try to help slow the heart down.  I’ve tried five medications, one being the newest one approved specifically for this condition- none worked enough for me to find relief.  When I first was told, “It looks like IST. Just take this medicine to help you feel better”, I thought I would feel better. Over two years later, it’s gotten worse.  My heart will beat so fast that I become nauseous, dizzy, endure extreme chest pain and sometimes black out spells. Never did I think sitting in that room with what I thought to be just a fast heart, did I ever think my  life would come to this.  Every single day I wake up wondering how bad I will feel. I wonder how high my heart rate will get that day, and if I’ll black out.  […]

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Don’t settle because the world says you should be engaged by now.

I used to care so much about dating. Everyone around me was in a relationship, and I felt like I was the one left out. I mean, the majority of my friends are dating, engaged, or married- yet, I’m sitting here, on a Friday night, alone, blogging about my singleness. So yeah, there’s that.  I wanted to be in a relationship because that’s what the world says will make me happy, and since I haven’t been truly happy in a really long time, I searched for it. I will admit I searched for happiness in guys. Did I find it? No. All I found was heartbreak when the guys turned out to be not who I thought they were. It lead to me feeling like something was wrong with me because they disappeared. It lead me to feeling like I needed to become someone I wasn’t.  Society tells us that being 21 and single is abnormal.  Society tells us that not having a ring on your left hand in your twenties means you’re wasting your life away.  Society tells us that settling is okay because there’s a timeline for love.  Society tells us that if we’re single in our thirties then we […]

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Another appointment. Another day.

I try my hardest to stay positive. I try my hardest to believe that everything will be okay. But I will admit, there are days I don’t see a getting better in my future. I had another doctors appointment today. I have spent weeks praying and today I hit a wall. I truly believed my prayers would be answered. That we would be close to being done with this, and yet I feel like we’re starting over. More changes. More tests. No new answers. 

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Broken.

I know. I know what it’s like to lay in bed at night and wonder if things will ever get better. I know what it’s like to be with your friends, yet desperately want to go home. I ask myself all the time- will things ever be okay.  Will I ever be me again. The girl that loved being with my friends. The girl that loved school. The girl that enjoyed church on Sunday mornings. The girl that loved life. Would I ever get my life back?

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