• One day.

    The last few weeks I’ve felt okay- a lot better than usual. I still didn’t feel 100% better, but a little better is enough for me. I stopped myself, and reflected on how I hadn’t had a bad episode in a few weeks, and I was happy. Because like I said, a little better has always been enough.  And then it came- a bad episode.  Although the episodes are painful, I hate them for another reason. I hate them because people see me as not being okay. I do my best, and I’ve never allowed anyone to see what it’s really like. I smile, and tell them I’m fine.  But…

  • Some hope.

    It’s not the outcome I wanted. I wanted to walk in those hospital doors with a misbehaving Herald (my heart is such a big part of my life, he deserved a name, right?! LOL), and walk out with a well-behaved Herald. Well that didn’t happen. I left with a tiny bit of hope implanted in my chest (literally). I was given a permanent heart monitor (linq recorder), which I will wear up to three years- until they find a cause for my heart’s rapid beating. Although it’s not the hope I was hoping for, it’s something. Usually after every disappointing appointment, I would leave questioning God. I would get mad…

  • Tomorrow is hope.

    For the past two and a half years I’ve dealt with a rapidly beating heart. People assume it’s no big deal, but having your heart beating out of your chest randomly, isn’t fun, and honestly besides being annoying, it can be painful.  I’ve searched and searched for answers. Finally- doctors concluded, ‘Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia’, which there is currently no cure for, just medications to try to help slow the heart down.  I’ve tried five medications, one being the newest one approved specifically for this condition- none worked enough for me to find relief.  When I first was told, “It looks like IST. Just take this medicine to help you feel…

  • Another appointment. Another day.

    I try my hardest to stay positive. I try my hardest to believe that everything will be okay. But I will admit, there are days I don’t see a getting better in my future. I had another doctors appointment today. I have spent weeks praying and today I hit a wall. I truly believed my prayers would be answered. That we would be close to being done with this, and yet I feel like we’re starting over. More changes. More tests. No new answers. 

  • Beauty from Pain

    People like to say all the time that-  He gives us beauty for ashes and a spirit of joy for mourning. I’m struggling with believing that. You can tell me every single day that God has a plan and that all the pain is for a reason, but that doesn’t make the pain any easier.

  • Broken.

    I know. I know what it’s like to lay in bed at night and wonder if things will ever get better. I know what it’s like to be with your friends, yet desperately want to go home. I ask myself all the time- will things ever be okay.  Will I ever be me again. The girl that loved being with my friends. The girl that loved school. The girl that enjoyed church on Sunday mornings. The girl that loved life. Would I ever get my life back?