For the past two and a half years I’ve dealt with a rapidly beating heart. People assume it’s no big deal, but having your heart beating out of your chest randomly, isn’t fun, and honestly besides being annoying, it can be painful. I’ve searched and searched for answers. Finally- doctors concluded, ‘Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia’, which there is currently no cure for, just medications to try to help slow the heart down. I’ve tried five medications, one being the newest one approved specifically for this condition- none worked enough for me to find relief. When I first was told, “It looks like IST. Just take this medicine to help you feel better”, I thought I would feel better. Over two years later, it’s gotten worse. My heart will beat so fast that I become nauseous, dizzy, endure extreme chest pain and sometimes black out spells. Never did I think sitting in that room with what I thought to be just a fast heart, did I ever think my life would come to this. Every single day I wake up wondering how bad I will feel. I wonder how high my heart rate will get that day, and if I’ll black out. […]
I used to care so much about dating. Everyone around me was in a relationship, and I felt like I was the one left out. I mean, the majority of my friends are dating, engaged, or married- yet, I’m sitting here, on a Friday night, alone, blogging about my singleness. So yeah, there’s that. I wanted to be in a relationship because that’s what the world says will make me happy, and since I haven’t been truly happy in a really long time, I searched for it. I will admit I searched for happiness in guys. Did I find it? No. All I found was heartbreak when the guys turned out to be not who I thought they were. It lead to me feeling like something was wrong with me because they disappeared. It lead me to feeling like I needed to become someone I wasn’t. Society tells us that being 21 and single is abnormal. Society tells us that not having a ring on your left hand in your twenties means you’re wasting your life away. Society tells us that settling is okay because there’s a timeline for love. Society tells us that if we’re single in our thirties then we […]
I try my hardest to stay positive. I try my hardest to believe that everything will be okay. But I will admit, there are days I don’t see a getting better in my future. I had another doctors appointment today. I have spent weeks praying and today I hit a wall. I truly believed my prayers would be answered. That we would be close to being done with this, and yet I feel like we’re starting over. More changes. More tests. No new answers.
I understand completely what you’re feeling. Having anxiety alone is exhausting, but trying to act like you’re fine adds another load to your shoulders. Now add being a Christian, it adds another layer to the mix.
People like to say all the time that- He gives us beauty for ashes and a spirit of joy for mourning. I’m struggling with believing that. You can tell me every single day that God has a plan and that all the pain is for a reason, but that doesn’t make the pain any easier.
I know. I know what it’s like to lay in bed at night and wonder if things will ever get better. I know what it’s like to be with your friends, yet desperately want to go home. I ask myself all the time- will things ever be okay. Will I ever be me again. The girl that loved being with my friends. The girl that loved school. The girl that enjoyed church on Sunday mornings. The girl that loved life. Would I ever get my life back?
A letter to you, It’s 3am, and I’m writing this, which means you probably should be okay dating someone who goes to bed late, and sleeps till lunch. Be okay with getting a text message at 1am when my mind is wandering and I have a question or comment to share. Be okay with documenting our memories. Don’t get annoyed when I want to take a picture. I just want to remember this moment. A memory, with you.
Last year I was affected by Alzheimer’s in an incredible, yet heartbreaking way. I took on the job as a caregiver during the day for an elderly lady that had Alzheimer’s. I did not think twice about taking the job, and just thought it would be the same as sitting with my grandma all day. I was wrong. The first week I will admit, it was hard. Caring for her wasn’t hard, although there were times I was stressed to the max, but I didn’t want her to know. It was seeing how Alzheimer’s affected people with it, and their loved ones. I cared for her all summer, and it was the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I decided to write a letter to express how much love I have in my heart for her, and to say this: Alzheimer’s might affect the person, but it does not make them any less of a person. This special woman might never know how much she changed my life, but she’s been on my heart lately so I wanted to write this post. I hope maybe one person will read this and realize that if they have someone in their […]
This darkness consumes you. The ache in your chest continues. Your head is throbbing from overthinking. You feel as if you’re drowning. You want to scream for help, but you can’t speak. You want to run from it all, but you’re stuck. Stuck in these motions. Motions that continue, and continue.
Recently I’ve found myself thinking a lot about my future and who I will marry. I’m sure a lot of you ladies do this as well. Maybe you lay in bed at night thinking about your wedding day, or just the type of person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. I know a lot of us have seen a guy from the distance, elbowed a friend, and said, I want to marry someone like that. Whether that be because of an action they were doing, an appearance, or just something you saw. I cannot tell you how many times my friend and I have done this. It might seem weird, but us girls are constantly picking characteristics and making lists of what we want our future husbands to be like, even though most of the time we might not realize we’re doing so. I’ll be the first to admit that the list that I had before I started dating is completely different now that I’ve met some guys that have changed my outlook on this. So I’ve decided to put together a little prayer for my future husband. And maybe this prayer/list is something you can relate to, or maybe you […]