I wasn’t sure how much I would share, but writing on here is therapeutic for me. On September 1, I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock. I was excited, but terrified. On August 1, I had heart surgery, and was put on a new medication that was dangerous to conceive on. Therefore, this wasn’t planned (but God had plans of his own). I stopped all four of my medications. I prayed and prayed. I was terrified the meds already did their damage. Two weeks later I started bleeding. My heart sank. I just knew. The amount of guilt I had was unbearable for being on the medication.…
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I do not understand this season- and that’s okay.
Many days I do not understand. I do not understand the pain. Why God chose me to carry this weight. To carry the struggles. Why my prayers don’t seem to be answered. Why little tasks, like standing, are hard to accomplish without my vision going out, and my heart beating out of my chest. But then I remember- God carried so much more. He carried the cross for people He knew would never follow him. He forgives us. Forgives us for when we don’t trust in Him. He never strays from us even when we question His plans for our life. There’s so many days I am mad at God.…
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My Next Chance: Surgery Round 3.
I haven’t shared much lately on my heart because honestly I haven’t known what to say. I’ve struggled with a heart condition for the last 6 years. It doesn’t get easier, but you become more numb. Numb to the pain. Numb to the understanding that you might never have a normal day again. I can normally tell when my heart is getting bad again. Since January I’ve had bad chest pain and numbness in my left arm. It comes and goes, lasting for days at a time. Breathing has become difficult, especially when standing or walking. It’s my normal. Yesterday I finally saw my doctor for my regular check-up. My…
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The impossible becomes possible.
This tiger I bought when I was 5 weeks pregnant. It was the same time that a nurse told me to consider an abortion. She only saw concern for my life, when I saw concern for the life growing inside me. There were so many fears I had, and losing this baby was one of them. I was not going to purposely choose to lose him or her. I saw this at Target and it was the first purchase I made for my little one. It seems like such a little thing but it was such a big deal to have something tangible to hold onto while I was trying…
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Left vs Right
These are two medications I take daily. The left is a medication for my heart. It works to slow my heart down and allows my heart rate to be normal around 75% of the time. It doesn’t make my life normal but manageable. The right is an antidepressant. I have taken it for the last two years to help with depression and anxiety. It allows it to be reduced tremendously. It’s not a ‘happy pill’ but it makes every day a little more manageable. Both help me daily to be healthy so I can be the best wife and mother I can be. Yet, the one on the left society…
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Admitting is half the battle.
I’m exhausted. Two years ago I began taking an antidepressant. It helped, and I knew it helped. But it wasn’t till the past few weeks that I realized how much it helped. Five weeks ago, after my son was born, my prescription also ran out. With being new to motherhood, and putting everything into taking care of my baby, I’ve put myself on the back burner- like trying to renew my meds. I was off of them the first trimester of my pregnancy, and I could tell a difference in myself, but I honestly thought it was just pregnancy hormones- now I know this feeling isn’t and wasn’t just hormones.…
