• I am not okay- yet.

    Today started out not so good. Long story short, I broke down in tears in the bathroom (even though I shed a few at my desk). For the first time I realized how much this was affecting me, and how I can no longer hide it.  I never like to tell people how much this is affecting me. No one knows how bad it really is. Not my family, my friends, or even this blog. People will tell me, I’m so sorry, I hope you get better.  All I can think is- if they only knew.  If they only knew that what they see is a front. What they see is the me…

  • 200.

    For the first time in a really long time I am okay.  I went to yet another appointment last Friday. I was somewhere between ‘dreading it’ and ‘hopeful’. I left actually feeling okay about it all, which is a first. Like most appointments, I was put on more medication. But like most appointments, I was really hoping for something different. I am so tired of taking medications to “fix” the problem when it doesn’t fix anything. He also decided that it’s time to see a neurologist. Another doctor added to my lovely list. Yet I am praying another set of opinions and eyes will find the cause to it all. …

  • Some hope.

    It’s not the outcome I wanted. I wanted to walk in those hospital doors with a misbehaving Herald (my heart is such a big part of my life, he deserved a name, right?! LOL), and walk out with a well-behaved Herald. Well that didn’t happen. I left with a tiny bit of hope implanted in my chest (literally). I was given a permanent heart monitor (linq recorder), which I will wear up to three years- until they find a cause for my heart’s rapid beating. Although it’s not the hope I was hoping for, it’s something. Usually after every disappointing appointment, I would leave questioning God. I would get mad…

  • Tomorrow is hope.

    For the past two and a half years I’ve dealt with a rapidly beating heart. People assume it’s no big deal, but having your heart beating out of your chest randomly, isn’t fun, and honestly besides being annoying, it can be painful.  I’ve searched and searched for answers. Finally- doctors concluded, ‘Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia’, which there is currently no cure for, just medications to try to help slow the heart down.  I’ve tried five medications, one being the newest one approved specifically for this condition- none worked enough for me to find relief.  When I first was told, “It looks like IST. Just take this medicine to help you feel…

  • Another appointment. Another day.

    I try my hardest to stay positive. I try my hardest to believe that everything will be okay. But I will admit, there are days I don’t see a getting better in my future. I had another doctors appointment today. I have spent weeks praying and today I hit a wall. I truly believed my prayers would be answered. That we would be close to being done with this, and yet I feel like we’re starting over. More changes. More tests. No new answers. 

  • Beauty from Pain

    People like to say all the time that-  He gives us beauty for ashes and a spirit of joy for mourning. I’m struggling with believing that. You can tell me every single day that God has a plan and that all the pain is for a reason, but that doesn’t make the pain any easier.