• Even if.

    Many days I ask myself what I will do if this never goes away. What will happen if this is the plan God has for my life? Just one diagnosis after another, without relief.  Some days I think about my life, and wonder how it could get worse. How much more could I handle?  I hate answering the phone when the nurse calls, but at the same time, I know what to expect.  Yesterday I had another phone call.  Another diagnosis.  Another thing to add to my list.  Another thing to make life even more difficult.  Another thing that is another answer.  I hate to say that I’m slowly getting used…

  • 200.

    For the first time in a really long time I am okay.  I went to yet another appointment last Friday. I was somewhere between ‘dreading it’ and ‘hopeful’. I left actually feeling okay about it all, which is a first. Like most appointments, I was put on more medication. But like most appointments, I was really hoping for something different. I am so tired of taking medications to “fix” the problem when it doesn’t fix anything. He also decided that it’s time to see a neurologist. Another doctor added to my lovely list. Yet I am praying another set of opinions and eyes will find the cause to it all. …

  • One day.

    The last few weeks I’ve felt okay- a lot better than usual. I still didn’t feel 100% better, but a little better is enough for me. I stopped myself, and reflected on how I hadn’t had a bad episode in a few weeks, and I was happy. Because like I said, a little better has always been enough.  And then it came- a bad episode.  Although the episodes are painful, I hate them for another reason. I hate them because people see me as not being okay. I do my best, and I’ve never allowed anyone to see what it’s really like. I smile, and tell them I’m fine.  But…

  • Some hope.

    It’s not the outcome I wanted. I wanted to walk in those hospital doors with a misbehaving Herald (my heart is such a big part of my life, he deserved a name, right?! LOL), and walk out with a well-behaved Herald. Well that didn’t happen. I left with a tiny bit of hope implanted in my chest (literally). I was given a permanent heart monitor (linq recorder), which I will wear up to three years- until they find a cause for my heart’s rapid beating. Although it’s not the hope I was hoping for, it’s something. Usually after every disappointing appointment, I would leave questioning God. I would get mad…

  • Another appointment. Another day.

    I try my hardest to stay positive. I try my hardest to believe that everything will be okay. But I will admit, there are days I don’t see a getting better in my future. I had another doctors appointment today. I have spent weeks praying and today I hit a wall. I truly believed my prayers would be answered. That we would be close to being done with this, and yet I feel like we’re starting over. More changes. More tests. No new answers.