• God is bigger than a high risk pregnancy.

    Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything, mainly because the one thing I’ve wanted to write about, we haven’t been sharing. Now that we have made it public….. I’m going to be a mom! I am still in shock writing those words. But I could not be more excited and thankful for what God’s already done in these past ten weeks. I honestly did not think a month ago that we’d be here today- ten weeks pregnant. We’ve had a lot of scares, and I’ve spent weeks crying with fear that something was going wrong. But God showed me that even if something goes wrong, I still…

  • Me too.

    [You might be seeing a lot of “me too” posted on your social media feed. If you do not know why, it’s a way that people are bringing awareness to the massive amounts of people that have been sexually harassed or assaulted. Writing “me too”, means you are in that statistic.] I spoke out a while back, and it was the best thing I ever did. I will never be free from it. I’ve had people make comments that I should move on from this, and let it go.  Nightmares cannot be simply let go.  Panic attacks cannot be let go.  The hurt cannot be let go.  To the people that…

  • Thy will be done.

    It’s hard to think that God planned this. The pain.  That he looked at me, and said, “I’m giving her this. I’m giving her all these strange heart conditions that doctors don’t understand, but is okay because she can handle it”.  Some days I just want to scream at God. Some days I want to cry to God. Most days, I don’t know how to handle it.  I don’t know whether to be mad or sad.  I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year. December will mark 3 years since my first diagnosis.  I remember sitting in the small room, thinking, “this is no big deal”.  Little did I…

  • In the eye of the storm.

    I sometimes don’t talk about it, so some people think that I’m okay, or that I’m better. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what better feels like. And that scares me. But, at the same time, I am getting used to feeling broken. To feeling like I’m stuck in this hole, and I’ll never get out of it. People have questions. They’re curious.  But, explaining it is hard. Doctors can barely explain, so how can I? It’s like living in a cloud. Living in pain.  The other day, for the first time ever, I started blacking out, and had somewhat of a convulsion in the middle.…

  • A Letter to God From The Girl That Desperately Wants to be Healthy.

    God,  I hate this. I used to say that I hated you because of unanswered prayers. I’m sorry- I don’t hate you. I just hate this. The pain. The unanswered tests. The unanswered prayers. The longing to be healthy. I never used to despise medication until I relied on it every day. I never used to want to cry with medication changes. Now that I take three medications, 5 1/2 pills, a day, just to create a [hopefully] well beating heart that day, is exhausting.  It might not seem bad to others, but every morning, and every night I have to take pills to correct an organ that should be able…

  • Even if.

    Many days I ask myself what I will do if this never goes away. What will happen if this is the plan God has for my life? Just one diagnosis after another, without relief.  Some days I think about my life, and wonder how it could get worse. How much more could I handle?  I hate answering the phone when the nurse calls, but at the same time, I know what to expect.  Yesterday I had another phone call.  Another diagnosis.  Another thing to add to my list.  Another thing to make life even more difficult.  Another thing that is another answer.  I hate to say that I’m slowly getting used…