• Little faith is all it takes | Pregnancy Update

    I wasn’t sure how much I would share, but writing on here is therapeutic for me.  On September 1, I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock. I was excited, but terrified.  On August 1, I had heart surgery, and was put on a new medication that was dangerous to conceive on. Therefore, this wasn’t planned (but God had plans of his own).   I stopped all four of my medications. I prayed and prayed. I was terrified the meds already did their damage.  Two weeks later I started bleeding. My heart sank. I just knew. The amount of guilt I had was unbearable for being on the medication.…

  • There’s bumps in the road, but I am okay.

    There’s been many times over the past six years that I’ve felt like my body was failing me. The one organ that is suppose to keep me alive is not wanting to work properly.  Last week I had my follow-up from my ablation, and my doctor was not happy with the results. For the first time in the four years that he’s been my doctor I finally felt like he understood the frustration. He understood how it felt to think a path is going to work, and then it doesn’t. The surgery was successful for a specific type of arrhythmia, but my heart is still having a lot of high…

  • I do not understand this season- and that’s okay.

    Many days I do not understand. I do not understand the pain. Why God chose me to carry this weight. To carry the struggles. Why my prayers don’t seem to be answered. Why little tasks, like standing, are hard to accomplish without my vision going out, and my heart beating out of my chest. But then I remember- God carried so much more. He carried the cross for people He knew would never follow him. He forgives us. Forgives us for when we don’t trust in Him. He never strays from us even when we question His plans for our life. There’s so many days I am mad at God.…

  • My Next Chance: Surgery Round 3.

    I haven’t shared much lately on my heart because honestly I haven’t known what to say. I’ve struggled with a heart condition for the last 6 years. It doesn’t get easier, but you become more numb. Numb to the pain. Numb to the understanding that you might never have a normal day again. I can normally tell when my heart is getting bad again. Since January I’ve had bad chest pain and numbness in my left arm. It comes and goes, lasting for days at a time. Breathing has become difficult, especially when standing or walking. It’s my normal.  Yesterday I finally saw my doctor for my regular check-up. My…

  • Will my story include healing?

    You hear it a lot, “pray and it’ll be answered”,  -but what if it isn’t? I believe in the power of prayer. There’s no doubt in my mind prayer works. An answered prayer is a true miracle.  But, do I believe every single prayer is answered? Yes, and no. I do not believe He always answers our prayers with the outcome we pray for.  God hears every single prayer, but I believe that God sometime’s says, not yet, and sometimes even no.  I recently read the story of the two blind men in the Bible. Matthew 9:27-31 27 As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, shouting, “Have mercy on…

  • You are enough for motherhood.

    I used to dream of being a mom. I could not wait to embark on that journey. But then my journey with a chronic illness began. I was 18, in college, and single, so I never thought much of my future as a mom. I then started dating, and the thought of being a mom would come and go from my mind. I’d ask myself if I even thought it would be possible. I considered all my options- adoption, surrogacy, and pregnancy. I knew ultimately I wanted to be a mom no matter how that came about, but I really desired to carry my own child. A few years into…