• Little faith is all it takes | Pregnancy Update

    I wasn’t sure how much I would share, but writing on here is therapeutic for me.  On September 1, I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock. I was excited, but terrified.  On August 1, I had heart surgery, and was put on a new medication that was dangerous to conceive on. Therefore, this wasn’t planned (but God had plans of his own).   I stopped all four of my medications. I prayed and prayed. I was terrified the meds already did their damage.  Two weeks later I started bleeding. My heart sank. I just knew. The amount of guilt I had was unbearable for being on the medication.…

  • My reason why.

    Sometimes when we are going through hardships, we question- “why?“ I do that a lot. Especially when I am trying my hardest to just make it through one more day. One more episode. One more dizzy spell. One more blood pressure crash. One more heart arrhythmia.  My reason why is this boy. Years before I saw those two pink lines, I knew the road to this moment would be a struggle. I considered adoption and surrogacy, because I wasn’t sure what the future years would entail, and how my body would handle a pregnancy. A few months before I found out I was pregnant, I decided that no matter the…

  • Even if.

    Many days I ask myself what I will do if this never goes away. What will happen if this is the plan God has for my life? Just one diagnosis after another, without relief.  Some days I think about my life, and wonder how it could get worse. How much more could I handle?  I hate answering the phone when the nurse calls, but at the same time, I know what to expect.  Yesterday I had another phone call.  Another diagnosis.  Another thing to add to my list.  Another thing to make life even more difficult.  Another thing that is another answer.  I hate to say that I’m slowly getting used…

  • Some hope.

    It’s not the outcome I wanted. I wanted to walk in those hospital doors with a misbehaving Herald (my heart is such a big part of my life, he deserved a name, right?! LOL), and walk out with a well-behaved Herald. Well that didn’t happen. I left with a tiny bit of hope implanted in my chest (literally). I was given a permanent heart monitor (linq recorder), which I will wear up to three years- until they find a cause for my heart’s rapid beating. Although it’s not the hope I was hoping for, it’s something. Usually after every disappointing appointment, I would leave questioning God. I would get mad…