• Left vs Right

    These are two medications I take daily. The left is a medication for my heart. It works to slow my heart down and allows my heart rate to be normal around 75% of the time. It doesn’t make my life normal but manageable. The right is an antidepressant. I have taken it for the last two years to help with depression and anxiety. It allows it to be reduced tremendously. It’s not a ‘happy pill’ but it makes every day a little more manageable. Both help me daily to be healthy so I can be the best wife and mother I can be. Yet, the one on the left society…

  • Holding on to Hope.

    A few days ago I had a successful ablation (a procedure that is used to scar small areas in your heart that may be causing arrhythmias). I was so happy to finally {hopefully} be able to have a normal life.  And then it happened yesterday: the beginning of another blackout.  I was heartbroken all over again. I was on the verge of crying, and just wanted to go hide in my room, and lock everyone out. I have experienced a lot of high heart rates, a lot more than I had been recently, which scares me even more. It was suppose to be successful, yet I’m experiencing more episodes.  I am trying to…

  • In the eye of the storm.

    I sometimes don’t talk about it, so some people think that I’m okay, or that I’m better. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what better feels like. And that scares me. But, at the same time, I am getting used to feeling broken. To feeling like I’m stuck in this hole, and I’ll never get out of it. People have questions. They’re curious.  But, explaining it is hard. Doctors can barely explain, so how can I? It’s like living in a cloud. Living in pain.  The other day, for the first time ever, I started blacking out, and had somewhat of a convulsion in the middle.…

  • A Letter to God From The Girl That Desperately Wants to be Healthy.

    God,  I hate this. I used to say that I hated you because of unanswered prayers. I’m sorry- I don’t hate you. I just hate this. The pain. The unanswered tests. The unanswered prayers. The longing to be healthy. I never used to despise medication until I relied on it every day. I never used to want to cry with medication changes. Now that I take three medications, 5 1/2 pills, a day, just to create a [hopefully] well beating heart that day, is exhausting.  It might not seem bad to others, but every morning, and every night I have to take pills to correct an organ that should be able…

  • Even if.

    Many days I ask myself what I will do if this never goes away. What will happen if this is the plan God has for my life? Just one diagnosis after another, without relief.  Some days I think about my life, and wonder how it could get worse. How much more could I handle?  I hate answering the phone when the nurse calls, but at the same time, I know what to expect.  Yesterday I had another phone call.  Another diagnosis.  Another thing to add to my list.  Another thing to make life even more difficult.  Another thing that is another answer.  I hate to say that I’m slowly getting used…

  • I am not okay- yet.

    Today started out not so good. Long story short, I broke down in tears in the bathroom (even though I shed a few at my desk). For the first time I realized how much this was affecting me, and how I can no longer hide it.  I never like to tell people how much this is affecting me. No one knows how bad it really is. Not my family, my friends, or even this blog. People will tell me, I’m so sorry, I hope you get better.  All I can think is- if they only knew.  If they only knew that what they see is a front. What they see is the me…