God, I hate this. I used to say that I hated you because of unanswered prayers. I’m sorry- I don’t hate you. I just hate this. The pain. The unanswered tests. The unanswered prayers. The longing to be healthy. I never used to despise medication until I relied on it every day. I never used to want to cry with medication changes. Now that I take three medications, 5 1/2 pills, a day, just to create a [hopefully] well beating heart that day, is exhausting. It might not seem bad to others, but every morning, and every night I have to take pills to correct an organ that should be able…
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I am not okay- yet.
Today started out not so good. Long story short, I broke down in tears in the bathroom (even though I shed a few at my desk). For the first time I realized how much this was affecting me, and how I can no longer hide it. I never like to tell people how much this is affecting me. No one knows how bad it really is. Not my family, my friends, or even this blog. People will tell me, I’m so sorry, I hope you get better. All I can think is- if they only knew. If they only knew that what they see is a front. What they see is the me…