It’s been a week and a half since my ablation. Things are 50/50 honestly. Around the house, doing normal tasks, my heart is doing amazing. But when I try to do anything more, my heart goes back into episodes. A few days ago I went to the grocery store with my son. Normal day, doing normal tasks. When I got back to our apartment, I carried him up the stairs, and I instantly could tell my heart was going into an episode. It took an hour for it to go back to normal. My heart felt shattered. My emotions felt all over the place. I won’t know until next week…
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My reason why.
Sometimes when we are going through hardships, we question- “why?“ I do that a lot. Especially when I am trying my hardest to just make it through one more day. One more episode. One more dizzy spell. One more blood pressure crash. One more heart arrhythmia. My reason why is this boy. Years before I saw those two pink lines, I knew the road to this moment would be a struggle. I considered adoption and surrogacy, because I wasn’t sure what the future years would entail, and how my body would handle a pregnancy. A few months before I found out I was pregnant, I decided that no matter the…
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I do not understand this season- and that’s okay.
Many days I do not understand. I do not understand the pain. Why God chose me to carry this weight. To carry the struggles. Why my prayers don’t seem to be answered. Why little tasks, like standing, are hard to accomplish without my vision going out, and my heart beating out of my chest. But then I remember- God carried so much more. He carried the cross for people He knew would never follow him. He forgives us. Forgives us for when we don’t trust in Him. He never strays from us even when we question His plans for our life. There’s so many days I am mad at God.…
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My Next Chance: Surgery Round 3.
I haven’t shared much lately on my heart because honestly I haven’t known what to say. I’ve struggled with a heart condition for the last 6 years. It doesn’t get easier, but you become more numb. Numb to the pain. Numb to the understanding that you might never have a normal day again. I can normally tell when my heart is getting bad again. Since January I’ve had bad chest pain and numbness in my left arm. It comes and goes, lasting for days at a time. Breathing has become difficult, especially when standing or walking. It’s my normal. Yesterday I finally saw my doctor for my regular check-up. My…
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Three Years Post Cardiac Catheterization
Tomorrow marks three years since I had my first heart surgery. I actually had two that day. I went in for a heart catheterization, and a hopeful ablation. I left with a heart catheterization, and then a second procedure to implant a loop recorder. Tomorrow marks three years since I found out firsthand that doctors can’t fix everything, no matter how many medical advancements there are. That a 99.9% success rate means nothing when you’re that .1%. I learned how it would feel to wake up from a surgery, so hopeful, and then to have your dreams crushed by a nurse that tells you it did not work but that there is…
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Will my story include healing?
You hear it a lot, “pray and it’ll be answered”, -but what if it isn’t? I believe in the power of prayer. There’s no doubt in my mind prayer works. An answered prayer is a true miracle. But, do I believe every single prayer is answered? Yes, and no. I do not believe He always answers our prayers with the outcome we pray for. God hears every single prayer, but I believe that God sometime’s says, not yet, and sometimes even no. I recently read the story of the two blind men in the Bible. Matthew 9:27-31 27 As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, shouting, “Have mercy on…
